An Attitude of Gratitude

Being in a new school for what feels like the umpteenth time in my short teaching career is hard. Being in 3 new schools at once is even harder. Getting to know the staff in your building when you're only there for a partial day once or twice a week is a serious challenge. This is why I'm thankful that one of my buildings does a staff social event once a month. In September it was golfing, so I stepped away from that one. Much to my delight the October gathering was a palette painting event - count me in! About a week before we gathered together, we got to choose our palette stain color and the design that we wanted to paint onto the palette. I chose a gray stain and an inspiring saying about hopes and dreams for the future. I was pumped.

As the gathering got underway, I excitedly waited for my name to be called as the parent who was leading us handed out the palettes with their designs. As the gray-stained wood dwindled down to one, my anxiety kicked in because the letters on the wood were much bigger than the ones in the quote that I had chosen - and I'd quadruple checked the choices that I wrote down because anxiety brain. Well, with that last gray palette, my name was called, and my heart sunk a little. I took it and tried not to let my emotions show, ashamed of what I assumed was my own mistake. And I looked down at the design I'd wound up with:

"Gratitude is the Best Attitude"

Irony, right? I generally don't like to focus on gratitude. Too many times it's a concept that gets shoved in my face when my mental health is crumbling and someone says, "Well, you can at least be thankful that..." as they ask me to stuff my negative feelings somewhere deep inside where they won't have to deal with them. I see unhappy emotions as healthy and normal. To ignore them usually means that they explode later; to allow yourself experience them helps you to process and move on (and generally move on much more quickly than trying to convince yourself that they don't exist). So when someone tells me to have gratitude, I usually respond politely while internally wanting to scream at them to shove it.

So there I stood in a classroom staring at my "Gratitude is the Best Attitude" design. I'd been so looking forward to the socializing and the painting. I didn't want it to be ruined by getting a design that I wasn't particularly excited about. And then I thought "Maybe this is a God thing of something that I need to work on." So I enjoyed the social time, and I relaxed with the painting. Lots of people commented on how much they liked the design, and I smiled and nodded, half ignoring them in my head, focusing only on the fact that they loved my color choice (navy blue paint to go with the gray stain - inspired by Minnesota Lynx colors). On the bright side, it turned out that having mostly big letters made the process a lot easier than having lots of small ones like the design I'd originally chosen. All in all, it was an enjoyable evening, and I brought home a piece of wall art that's at least very pretty (though, since I live in a friend's townhouse, I literally have nowhere to hang it).

My final painted palette artwork

Just one day before the paint and palette event, I'd signed myself up to do a "Gratitude Challenge" through my district's wellness program. The goal was to write down three things we're grateful for each day for the month of November with no repeats for the entire month. I'm not always a fan of wellness challenges, but this one seemed easy enough to accomplish without having to rearrange my daily schedule. The timing of these two occurrences seemed appropriate.

So on November 1st I started. I initially struggled coming up with 3 things, but had more than that by the end of the day. As the month passed, I discovered it an asset that I'm such a detail-oriented person, which made the "no repeats" rule a fairly easy one to follow. I also latched onto a "30 Days of Gratitude" graphic posted by a distant cousin on Facebook as a tool for inspiration.

 
I didn't expect anything to change by the end. I figured it was an easy wellness challenge to participate in, but I didn't think it would change my daily train of thought or my outlook on life. We were asked to take a gratitude quiz at the beginning of the month and again at the end of the month then report how much our score changed. On Day 1, my score was 61/105. On Day 20, I took it again (because I like taking quizzes and seeing what they say about me), and I was shocked to see that my score had jumped to 70/105. By Day 30, it had risen to 75/105. By the end, I could believe the continued rise in score.

Because it wasn't just the scores and general life outlook that changed. I spent the final week of November dealing with a torn-apart house after the washer overflowed, flooding much of the upper floor and creating a waterfall into the kitchen below (or so my roommate tells me as I was at work when disaster struck). Through the whole ordeal, I found myself continually thinking about how grateful I was about all the ways it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

I have to admit, I'm a little annoyed that it was successful - mostly just because I don't like being wrong. But I've also decided to continue the endeavor now that the month of November is done. For now, I'll continue writing in the little journal I was given for use in the official Gratitude Challenge at work, but when that fills up, I've got a "Blessing Jar" that I made at my church's November Women's Ministry event that I'd like to fill with pieces of paper from each day. I've also decided to be less strict about the "You can only write it once" requirement - mostly because I'm thankful for my things like my friends, family, and Shutterfly much too often to restrict them to only being written down once.

So here, one month later, are the resulting lists from my gratitude journal (Note: Names have all been removed with the exception of Peter, Sakari, Nutmeg, and Triton who are dogs because, at least to my knowledge, they don't have the ability to read and probably wouldn't mind me talking about them anyway):


Wednesday, November 1, 2017

• Facebook "likes" and comments that remind me that my friends are watching out for me even when I don't get to see them as often as I'd like
• Parents who are willing to share their imperfections
• Seeing a student who's been trying but struggling to follow classroom expectations successfully self-monitoring himself today
• Grown-up friends who invite me to do things with them
• My rusty old van that still has a cassette player that lets me listen to old Donut Man tapes. 

Thursday, November 2, 2017

• Not having to work until 12:25pm, so I get to do my weekly PLC (professional learning community) Google Hangout meeting from my couch in comfy clothes with a snuggly puppy dog at my side
• Hitting a productive streak at work for the first time in over 2 weeks
• The scent of vanilla because it's relaxing and decreases my anxiety levels
• Getting to start my 2-months stretch of watching Christmas movies on Hallmark Channel
• Finding a Hershey's Cookies 'n' Mint candy bar for the first time since my early childhood
• Managing to get home by 6pm even after an extra long commute and a stop at Walmart

Friday, November 3, 2017

• Heidi-Peter snuggle time in the morning
• The color green because it's mood-brightening
• Big, white, fluffy, magical snow that brings the first exciting snow of the season because the whole world looks magical
• The new winter boots that I bought last year because they're super comfy and warm (and also pretty, but in a very simple way)
• Making it through the craziness of slippery roads and non-functional stoplights (at multiple intersections) without any mishaps.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

• Campbell's Chunky Spicy Chicken Quesadilla Soup with tortilla chips - best at-home version of chips and queso that I've ever found
• An evening with the house to myself so that I had time to sit down and play piano for the first time in months (also that I didn't seem to have lost a ton of skill given how long it's been since I've played)
• Discovering that a blog post I'm particularly proud of that didn't get a ton of views when I first posted it got 20+ views today

Sunday, November 5, 2017

• Finding a comfort level with my church small group for the first time
• Having a very enjoyable rehearsal and not feeling anxious like I was last time (when anxiety brain spent the whole time telling me I was awkward and unwanted)
• Being greeted with the words "I would come give you a hug, but I'm sick" the moment I walked in the door for rehearsal (both for the intended hug and the desire to keep me healthy)
• My voice holding out through rehearsal - including the song where I sang the Soprano 1 part
• Starting to feel confident enough to at least kind of sing out when I'm on a part by myself
• The sound of silence on my drive home after rehearsal (because introverted me needed it)
• Konop Meats (of Stangleville, WI) for making the most awesome flavored brats ever. (Seriously, the Honey BBQ Brats totally hit the spot tonight)

Monday, November 6, 2017

• My 4th Graders who are awesome and help me survive the day
• Being of an age where I grew up with quickly-changing technology so that I both was taught how to use it and learned how to figure out what I wasn't taught on the fly
• The opportunity to connect with an old friend
• Pretty-colored leaves that make fall the most beautiful season

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

• Chipotle queso because my Chipotle burritos are no longer too dry
• Sleeping in for the first time in weeks
• The memories of going to Disney World when I was 5 when everything there was magic (and the tracks under the ship in Peter Pan's Flight disappeared and we were FLYING)

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

• The Kingdom Keepers book series for bring me to Disney World when I can't afford a trip there
• Shutterfly - which may become my new hobby for the time being
• The crazy neighbor didn't ring the doorbell at all today
• That Peter likes his birthday present toy

Thursday, November 9, 2017

• Waking up on time despite the fact that my phone battery died leaving me without an alarm
• Relatively calm Kindergarten classes today
• Managing to get home from work before 5pm
• Disney World for being a magical, low-stress place to vacation
• The energy and motivation to write for the first time in a few days

Friday, November 10, 2017

• Didn't have to kick any Kindergartners out of music class today
• My behaviorally challenging 1st Grader who ROCKED his rhythm performance assessment
• The taste of chocolate - so needed it after what felt like a very long week

Saturday, November 11, 2017

• Veterans who sacrifice their time and livelihoods to help keep our country safe
• A roommate who was willing to deal with the crazy neighbor lady so that I didn't have to
• A sudden burst of energy to make a small dent in my 3 rooms worth of clutter
• The holiday of Easter because it literally changed the way the world operates
• That I've gotten good enough at the shape-by-shape puzzle game that I got through the whole design deck without needing a hint
• The random glitch in Candy Crush Soda Saga that gave me basically every power-up imaginable all at the same time allowing me to power through a bunch of levels

Sunday, November 12, 2017

• Having a dad willing to join me on errands I should technically run alone just so that I could have some company
• That Sakari has settled into a snuggly companion rather than the "Monster Dog" that she sometimes was in her younger years
• Having a mom who is willing to help trim dog toenails
• Having a friend whose support I greatly value tell me to text her anytime after I expressed my rough anxiety night via Facebook status
• The texture of dog fur. Especially Nutmeg fur - which, as it turns out, is the same texture as kangaroo fur

Monday, November 13, 2017

• The insane moment of courage it took to text a friend and ask for prayers as I attempted to not have a panic attack sitting in my van in the school parking lot
• Peace that surpasses all understanding because I felt calm even when it seemed that everything that could go wrong did go wrong today
• The ability to problem-solve when technology doesn't work as expected
• That when my school laptop crashed it finally decided to start connecting to the school district servers
• Hershey's Peppermint Bark Bells candy
• The many awesome varieties of tea that I bought at Disney World and finally get to enjoy now that it's cold out

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

• Being down to fighting just one cold instead of two
• Finding the strength (and inspiration) to start a blog post that I've been considering for a while but too afraid to write
• Getting my first couple of Shutterfly projects ordered using freebie offers
• The sight of old photos that bring back great memories

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

• Managing to get everything prepped in time after having to start from scratch when my school laptop crashed and all my files from this year disappeared
• The opportunity to make my school song index better when redoing it after losing the original file
• The joy of watching dance
• The season of fall because weather is perfect for time outdoors. Also, changing leaf colors are gorgeous.
• Actually catching a Timberwolves game from beginning to end (I keep forgetting when they play)

Thursday, November 16, 2017

• The smoothness of unexpectedly introducing rhythm sticks to a Kindergarten class when I couldn't get my school laptop to connect to the projector
• My Kindergarten jokers being focused for the first time this year
• A night of reflection and fellowship with Women's Ministry at church
• My body's ability to naturally clear out clogged airways so I can keep breathing even when I'm sick
• Getting literally mobbed by Kindergartners who want to hug me generally at least once each week

Friday, November 17, 2017

• All five of my classes being focused and eager to learn today (especially with tougher content)
• The cancelled lockdown drill at school
• Enjoyable Roomie Girls' Night
• My roommate locking the door (which I'd forgotten to do) within about 5 minutes of the crazy neighbor trying to open it when we didn't answer the door after the doorbell rang
• The knowledge that there are people in my life who have my back even when I feel ridiculous for feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and/or anxious
• Jet's Pizza for their Aloha BBQ Chicken Pizza and their cinnamon sticks dessert (extra buttery flavor = best cinnamon-based baked good ever)

Saturday, November 18, 2017

• Finding the two scarves I've been looking for (which still feels miraculous given that I've torn apart the pile they were in at least half a dozen times in the last week alone)
• Friendsgiving for reminding me that my choir friends are indeed family that love me, accept me, and want to have me around
• For finding a sense of comfort at Friendsgiving after spending most of the day with such bad anxiety about it that I was ready to jump out of my skin and/or burst into tears at any given moment. Also that my comfort level was that of spending time with friends that I've known for at least a decade rather than just the 1-2 years I've actually known them
• Seeing the friend in charge of turkey freaked out and concerned about how it would turn out because they're usually super confident about everything and seeing their worries made me feel better about all my insecurities before Friendsgiving that afternoon.
• The Friendsgiving pre-meal prayer that expressed thanks for so many of the things that I'm also thankful for with that group of friends
• Getting to share the Kansas concert with my dad - as enjoyable as the music itself was, knowing how special it was to my dad to share the experience with me is my most treasured memory from the event
• Finding people who have the same Dancing with the Stars opinions as I do
• The art of photography for capturing memories to relive later. Also for its ability to capture the heart and soul of people through photos

Sunday, November 19, 2017

• That I go to a church where time isn't a strict constraint so that when I walked into worship a little late, so did lots of other people (and the service had also started a few minutes late)
• For tea helping expand my vocal range to include the high notes I needed for choir today
• For the bravery to actually thank the friend who's been the core of my support system for the last week
• For Minnesota Lutheran goodbyes that stretch time spent with friends just a little bit longer
• For the opportunity to go to a Timberwolves game for free at the newly-renovated Target Center
• For the urge I had to go literally lean on a friend's shoulder (even though I didn't actually do it) and for wanting to thank a friend with a hug because it's been a long time since I've trusted anyone, much less a group of people, enough to actively invite them into what's been an ever-increasing personal bubble over the last 8-ish years

Monday, November 20, 2017

• Having a productive enough morning that I actually had time to breathe before having to teach
• Having dealt with enough copier paper jams to know how to problem-solve to fix one (and to help the person whose job was printing when it jammed)
• The wave of relief that hit the moment I got home and realized that my 6-day Thanksgiving Break had started (also that I lucked out, and my weekly day off fell on the second day of my district's 2-day week providing 6 straight days off)
• The art of dance because wow. Simply beautiful. (Dancing with the Stars finale - Jordan and Lindsay rocked it again, but Lindsey and Mark - just wow!)
• Note: Today's 30 Days of Gratitude Prompt was "Who in your life are you grateful for?" Below is my very long list. 
• A loving God - the Father who creates all things, the Son who died that I might live, and the Holy Spirit who works through my everyday life
• My parents who have always shown me unconditional love, even when it was hard (seriously, I was a horrible child when I was young)
• Roommates who manage to put up with my endless amounts of clutter
• The college friends who were around for some of my toughest mental health stretches and chose (and still choose) to reach out rather than desert me
• The colleagues at the first elementary school where I worked who restored my sense of confidence in my teaching abilities when I was ready to give up
• The family found at the first church home I found as an adult who, though now scattered, helped my faith grow in ways I'd never imagined possible
• For my choir family who, as individuals or as a group:
• Manage to both validate me and challenge me to grow in the same sentence
• Push me to grow in my faith and holds me accountable
• Encourage me to try new things
• Believe in me as a leader when I don't believe in myself
• Welcomed me from Day 1
• Tried to make sure that other members didn't scare me away at the beginning
• Check in on me at rehearsals
• Force me to become more of a leader as a singer
• Is there with words or actions of encouragement when I'm feeling down on myself (even when I haven't expressed it verbally)
• Find commonalities in ways that we struggle so that I don't feel so alone when life gets rough
• For the former teacher of mine whose importance in my life cannot be described. For her impact as a teacher, a mentor, a colleague, and a person who also deals with anxiety
• For the friend who has known me since the day she was born and still chooses to stick around
• For my church small group for their excitement each time they see me at church
• For all the family friends who served as my non-biological family growing up

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

• Getting to spend puzzle time with my mom
• That the puzzle I designed on Shutterfly turned out awesome
• That my 1st ever personal Shutterfly order (a 16"x20" collage poster commemorating my Disney World trip from last spring) turned out even more awesome than I imagined
• That one of my favorite Dancing with the Stars pros won her first Mirrorball Trophy - and how fun it was to see how excited all the other pros were for her
• The song "Does Anybody Hear Her" by Casting Crowns because it changed the way I look at people in the world around me

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

• The times I've done baking with friends because they make it way more fun than doing it alone
• Couches that bring serious comfy relief after standing in the kitchen baking for 5+ hours
• That cooking is more essential to survival than baking because the art of cooking is fun whereas the science of baking stresses me out
• The story of Frozen because of how it reflects my journey with Social Anxiety Disorder
• The welcomed use of my parents' washer and dryer because they work so much more quickly and efficiently than the ones at my house (laundry literally goes 3x faster)

Thursday, November 23, 2017

• My aunt and uncle's new house having a more convenient fenced yard so the dogs can play outside without people having to be outside with them
• The ability to take a much-needed 3-hour nap
•  The tradition of staying home and having a super low-key day on Christmas with just my immediate family, which eliminates the pressures of travel and living up to other peoples' expectations of holiday behavior

Friday, November 24, 2017

• That my dog was well-behaved at my aunt and uncle's (with the exception of the times that the cat decided to torment him)
• That some alone time followed by caffeine cured my headache
• The challenge of often being shifted into alto in choir the last couple of years because it's enhanced my ability to harmonize by ear (which has been useful when I've been sick and singing lower than my normal voice range over the last 7 weeks - there have seriously been times when I've started singing harmony to songs and thought "Whoa, where did that come from?" because it's so different than the harmonies I've sung before, sometimes even to the same songs)
• My cousin wanting to claim the entirety of the portion of cookies that I brought for Thanksgiving because I still have 62 of them at home and didn't need any more leftovers

Saturday, November 25, 2017

• Having a high school student council president who is not only organized enough to throw a 10-year class reunion but a natural host enough to make everyone feel welcome and comfortable
• A class reunion dress code of "Where what you want - comfy, fancy, or sweats - we just want you to come!"
• A friend who was willing to meet me at our class reunion so that I could experience it without feeling awkwardly alone (since most of the high school friends I talked to saw no point in going)
• For the amusing moment this week when, upon hearing that I'm planning to move before next school year, one friend declared that I should move in with another mutual friend (who was also in the room). Not because it's necessarily an absurd idea, but because the one friend decided it for the other two of us. I'll admit that you maybe had to be in the room and/or in my brain to understand why I found it so amusing, but the thought of that moment had me smiling all week.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

• Living close to my parents so that it wasn't a huge inconvenience to go back home to get the laptop I'd forgotten to bring with me
• That the dogs have settled enough that I could leave them loose rather than kenneling them for the half hour it took me to run home and grab my forgotten laptop
• That Zoo Tycoon acted as an effective stress/anxiety distraction today
• The motivation to at least put away all the clean laundry that lives in my dresser
• For writing and its ability to clear my mind and share important stories and valuable lessons with other people

Monday, November 27, 2017

• Having both my classes be extremely well-behaved today (especially after a long weekend)
• Easy traffic for my morning commute
• A smartphone because it has useful apps like mood trackers and games that provide anxiety distractions

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

• That, when the washer leaked water both upstairs and through the ceiling to downstairs, it was mostly just the house (which is fixable) and not personal items (which are less fixable/replaceable) that got damaged
• That The West Wing serves as a good anxiety distraction, balancing good story with some light-heartedness
• Somehow managing enough energy to do essential de-cluttering/reorganizing/moving of stuff upstairs so that we could use work to dry out the floor
• The moment today when a sub complimented me on a good job teaching, especially given how wiggly the kids were with having a sub
• That my 3 challenging kids in one class all had a good day on the same day
• That my roommate was home and discovered the overflowing washer fairly quickly after it had started leaking
• Getting the official Facebook event invite for a Christmas Girls' Night with friends because I needed something to look forward to after a very trying evening

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

• That on non-Fridays, my Kindergartners that I've usually had on Fridays act like little humans and not some sort of insane creatures
• That my parents live close so that I could escape from the house disaster area for an evening (and in particular so that I could give anxious dog Peter a break from the chaos)
• Triton snuggling close on the couch, which he hasn't done since he was a puppy
• That my dad brought dinner and comfort food home for me this evening
• For the friend from college who gets the whole crappy-mental-health part me me (and who sends me random funny pictures to make me smile one those bad days)

Thursday, November 30, 2017

• Hearing from the classroom management coach that I did lots of things right with my tough 5th Grade class today (especially considering that one usually chill student almost physically attacked a classmate that was being obnoxious)
• Getting an unexpected but much-needed supportive text from a friend when I was in tears during my lunch break. And learning that that friend has had a rough week as well because it makes me feel less alone
• That the upstairs of the townhouse is all dried out
• The skills of remaining calm on the outside even when I'm panicking on the inside because apparently it helps other people stay calm, too
• The 7-month medical leave that provided me with anxiety coping skills and since which I've been able to bounce back from bad anxiety periods a lot more quickly than I did before taking a leave
• Finally not being sick anymore after 8 weeks and two different colds