In Response to "13 Reasons Why"

Note
As I reflect on my own response to 13 Reasons Why, I must include some of my own experiences as an example. But that is not to say that my experiences are shared among all those who have experienced depression and/or suicidal ideations. One of my biggest frustrations about criticisms of 13 Reasons Why is the people who say "I have depression and was suicidal, and I never felt that way or experienced that. This story is completely unrealistic!" - and they say those things about the exact same experiences that have been part of my own mental health journey. So are these experiences universal? No. But are they realistic? Well, seeing as I've had them and a book/series depicts those same things, I'm willing to bet that there are plenty of others who share those experiences as well.

In Response to 13 Reasons Why 
It's been over 4 months since I first watched the controversial Netflix series 13 Reasons Why and over 3 months since I read the book and then re-watched the series. As someone who is passionate about and has often written about mental health issues, I've really thought a lot about what and how to share about my own reaction - and I have the half dozen drafts of this post started at various different times through the spring/summer to prove it. For me, watching the series and reading the book were cathartic activities. I find myself both awed and grateful any time I find a fictional work that depicts a character who experiences depression and/or anxiety in ways that I can relate to as someone who has experienced them myself.
As I do any time I finish a TV series for the first time, I delved into internet articles about 13 Reasons Why. I knew the criticisms from the mental health community and my fellow educators about the graphic scenes portrayed in this series. What I didn't know until then was that among the many critics of 13 Reasons Why were many who expressed severe judgment over main character Hannah Baker, the girl who died by suicide. It seriously threw me. Here was a character whose experiences I could relate to in my own journey battling depression and people were condemning her for many of the traits, thoughts, and actions that I could relate to. Many mental health professionals warned those battling depression against watching the series worrying that it would trigger downward spirals. To me it was not the series itself that was triggering - it was seeing how people responded to it.
I'm not going to argue against the criticisms coming from mental health professionals - that is their area of expertise and not mine. I don't know that I want to see the series disappear completely as I think that there are some messages that it gets right, but that doesn't mean that it's meant for everyone to view - adults should gauge how it may affect their own mental health (I, personally, intentionally have only interacted with the story when I'm having a solidly positive mental health day), and most teens should probably have some adult guidance in watching (yes, I realize how hard this is with a series that's on Netflix). Where I really find that I'm at, however, is accepting that this series is readily available for viewing by anyone with a Netflix account, and the question that I have now is this: What do we do in response to its existence? And to this my answer is that one of the best things we can do is respond with compassion.
In 13 Reasons Why, Hannah Baker leaves behind 13 tapes detailing 13 experiences, and 12 people, who led her to believe that death was her only escape from a life that she felt was too painful to continue living. And right here I'd like to address one thing: Feelings and emotions are not right or wrong, they simply are. Even the negative ones. Even the ones you may not agree with. Feelings can change when perspectives change, but to shame someone for their gut-reaction is counterproductive at best. And people who are living in a dark pit of despair, whether you understand that darkness or not, need your compassion, not your judgment.
Some say that Hannah's frustrations with her life are petty and blown out of proportion. But for some who are dealing with depression, the little things add a thousand pounds of weight to a load that's already crushing you. The final straw before my first active suicidal thoughts? Having to videotape the lesson my former friend (with whom I'd had a blowout fight earlier in the semester) teach a lesson when we got stuck in the same room for teaching clinicals. It shouldn't have been a big deal - but at the time, it was to me. It was the straw that nearly broke this camel's back. Sometimes when you're battling depression the things that are easy for others to cope with feel impossible for you to deal with yourself. It doesn't make sense - but it is reality for someone experiencing it.
Some say that Hannah should have ignored the words and actions of the people who became her 13 reasons and gone to the people who actually cared about her for help. But for some who are dealing with depression, one or both of those feel impossible. I don't understand why but when I hit my darkest points, it's often only the opinions of people I feel have hurt or neglected me that matter - especially when circumstances require me to spend more of my time with those people than ones who do care about me. The times that I already feel awful about myself are the times that the criticism of the people that are my classmates and co-workers is all that my emotions latch on to. For reasons that I can't explain, the negative opinions of a few outweigh the love of many - it may not make sense, but it has been my reality. So why not turn to the people that do care? Because sometimes that's more painful than isolating yourself. Because the pain you see others experience when you're hurting only makes your own hurt worse. And it adds a layer of guilt and shame to already feeling awful about yourself and your life. It takes more strength than you might imagine to open up the deepest darkest parts of yourself and share them with anyone, even people who care about you.
Some people are angry that Hannah chose to use her suicide as a revenge against the people who have hurt her. Whether it glamorizes suicide or not I'll leave up to you. But whether it's realistic? Well, on the "Is it going to work?" side, my answer is "Probably Not" - because I think that frequently the people who have hurt you the most probably don't care. But on the "Do people considering suicide actually feel this way?" side, I can say "Yes" - because I've been there. On each of the 3 occasions where I've fought off active suicidal thoughts, an underlying belief was "Maybe if this series of events results in my death, the people that have led me to feel this way will finally wake up and realize that what they did was wrong." Again, will they actually? Probably not. But was it something on my mind? Very much so. Whether you like it or not, your actions do affect other people. It's an important takeaway from the book and the Netflix series. But I also don't want to place blame on those who wonder if they were at any fault when they had a loved one who died by suicide. My best response to you is that if you care enough to ask if you're at fault, you almost certainly aren't. Because to ask that question means that you cared.
Here's what I really want you to take to heart from this post: To judge a fictional character who is dealing with depression (I'll admit this likely diagnosis is my assumption as it's never stated as such in the book or the series) and dies by suicide, at least for some of us dealing with depression, is not a deterrent but a push directly toward the edge of the suicide cliff. Because to see the judgment of traits and experiences that have been part of your reality, it's even easier to think "I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to live." But to see compassion, to see empathy - those make it easier to open up. Because if you react that way toward a fictional character, maybe you'll act that way toward me. You become a safe person to go to for help rather than another reason on the list to stay quiet and fight what feels like a losing battle all alone.
To my friends who have teens in their lives: I know that this story has worried us. It has made us concerned that the teens who watch it will think that we're as useless as some of the adults in the story. Let this story be a message to us. That the "drama queen" may actually be overwhelmed by life and quickly sinking. That kids might put on a happy face and not tell us what they're feeling. That it's our job to make sure to try to get help for the ones who open up. That we have to be aware of the adults around us who are too much like the ones portrayed in 13 Reasons Why - because, though a minority, they do exist. I'd know - I had a school counselor who was one of them, who my parents tried to get to help me and who ignored their request. Most of us are not like that, but we forget that some are, and we as adults are in a position to do something about that. And we are in the position to talk to the teens in our lives, and we need to have those conversations, especially with those who are engaging with this story. That doesn't mean that teachers need to integrate it into their curriculum, or that every adult needs to offer mental health assistance without training. What it means is that we need to find out what kids are thinking when they watch the series and read the book. It means that when we see a kid who's struggling, we need to connect them to professionals who are trained and equipped to help. It means that we need to be models of compassion and empathy for the people around us who are struggling.
I believe that suicide can be prevented. With the right supports, professional and other, people experiencing suicidal thoughts can learn to battle through them rather than falling to them. But it starts with supporting those people, not judging them.