As a music teacher where my daily interaction with other instructors in my content area is limited, I've come to join a number of music teacher Facebook groups. We share ideas and ask advice (okay, other people ask advice - I'm still too afraid to do that). At least a couple of times each month, one of my colleagues shares about a tragedy that's occurred at their school and asks advice on how to deal with it, and the responses are always split on what a teacher's role should be: to remain an image of strength so that students know that they are secure or to display their emotions so that students know that they are allowed to be human in their reactions.
I honestly don't fully remember how most any of my teachers, or other adults for that matter, reacted in times of tragedy. What I do know is that, even when they showed humanity, I tended to see my roles models as pillars of strength. Seeing only their slightest of imperfections, I placed them on high pedestals. Their greatness was something that I aspired to achieve, but that I feared I'd never match. They were images of perfection, and I was anything but.
I still vividly remember the day one of those pedestals came tumbling down. It was my first one-on-one coffee date with my favorite teacher after I'd graduated high school. One of my biggest role models, she was (and still is) a picture of the type of person I wanted to grow to be: a strong, independent, and caring woman and an extremely skilled teacher. I knew from being in her classes for two trimesters that she wasn't perfect, but her flaws and mistakes that I'd seen were ones I viewed as fun quirks - nothing earth-shattering. But on that particular night she shared that she'd recently been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and that she was concerned that I'd develop one as well (turns out I probably already had one - I just didn't recognize it as such). That night's conversation threw me for a loop not just for the rest of the night but for the days and weeks that followed. I struggled to process it, facing that task alone as I felt I couldn't share the information with anyone who actually knew her. At the time I thought it was about trying to understand why she would tell me, about why she thought I was at risk, and about how I was supposed to deal with the information. It took me years to realize that what I was really trying to process was the fact that the pedestal I'd put her on had been broken, that this person who I had looked up to as an image of strength turned out to be human. I'd long been an advocate for the idea that "teachers are people too" - but it turns out that graduating and actually seeing their adult human sides was shocking at times.
Learning to process and cope with the idea of this first broken pedestal turned out to be a positive experience in more ways than one. As I got older and continued to struggle dealing with my own imperfections, my dad started to share his own shortcomings with me. I was just as shocked, but this time I was also relieved. When I judge my driving, he shares his own mishaps. When I judge my fear of showing imperfections, he admits that he doesn't like to do things he's not good at or hasn't tried before while other people are watching. When I struggle with the all-encompassing nature of managing an anxiety disorder, he shares that his diabetes is not only a physical disease but one that means carrying a mental burden every day. I'd always seen my dad as perfect and had convinced myself that I'd never live up to the example he's set for me. His broken pedestal has allowed me to feel less isolated in the face of my imperfections.
For a while, I started to accept my imperfections and see them as normal aspects of a human existence. Though the phrase had been floating around my head for almost a decade, I finally started to claim my "perfectly imperfect" identity (imperfect because I'm human, but perfect because God made me the person that I am). And then life happened, and as my mental health tumbled, so did my confidence, and I started to put people on pedestals again. Even the ones who were dealing with imperfections seemed to have figured out how to manage them and there I was crumbling; knowing that I'd once figured out how to cope and found myself no longer able to made me feel even more inferior. Meanwhile, I found myself thrust into new environments with new communities of people who seemed to have everything in their lives together.
And then I watched another pedestal crack. When I joined a new choir filled with talented people who clearly lived their faith daily, I found myself constantly feeling inferior not only in my role as part of the group but as a person in general. I longed to feel comfortable as my flawed self in the midst of the group - and I found my sense of belonging through the person I would have least expected. She's the kind of person who stands out in any group: talented, pretty, kind, filled with joy, and a natural leader. We chatted often, and it felt like we were connected somehow, but I was also extremely intimidated. Often singing the same voice part, I feared she'd discover my imperfection and inferiority. It wasn't until our most recent concert that I began to really see her human side - starting with her admission that she knew she'd probably forget some of the music and just make up something that would fit in with the other parts and continuing when she shared with our entire audience her struggles in realizing that she'd spent her whole life living for other people rather than being the person God had made her to be. After that evening, our conversations moved from mostly shallow small talk to sharing more about the tough stuff we'd faced through life. As our friendship has grown, she's become a reminder to me that no matter how well people seem to have their life put together on the outside, we never really know what's going on underneath.
A couple of weeks ago, my journey with broken pedestals came full circle when I had a lunch date with that same favorite teacher whose human side had rocked my world. In the times when I'm feeling good about life or when I'm struggling with anxiety but managing it, I've seen her as one of my greatest supports. But in the times when I'm not holding it together very well, I'm scared to reach out. She's always seemed to figure out how to conquer living with anxiety, and I fear that she'll judge me if she sees that I'm not managing to do the same (yes, I realize that's anxiety brain talking). As we got to talking and catching up on how the last 2.5 years have gone, I learned that last year wasn't a particularly great year for her either, and she's been taking some time to just focus on herself. Because no matter how well you cope, sometimes life throws crappy situations your way, and suddenly it gets difficult to manage everything again.
So is it important for kids to see the adults and role models around them as pillars of strength? Perhaps to an extent for the sake of their feelings of safety and security. But as an adult? While the first broken pedestal was a shock, I'm thankful for each pedestal in my life that has toppled. Putting the people around me on pedestals always leaves me feeling inferior and isolated. Breaking the pedestals allows me to surround myself with other perfectly imperfect people so that I have allies battling alongside me when life gets tough - and for that I will be forever grateful.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
25 Random Things
A while back (as in a long while - at some point when I was in college), it was a thing to post a note on Facebook stating 25 things about yourself that most people didn't know about you. After running across a (very) old post on a blog I recently discovered and then reading my own "25 Things" Facebook note (okay, so technically there were 3 of them because people kept tagging me), I felt like revisiting this trend. Plus, I'm not the same person now as I was then, so new things to share. And I'm trying this new vulnerability concept where I share things about myself that I'm afraid will send people running for the hills (when my rational mind tells me they probably won't). So here are 25 random things you may not know about me:
1. I fully intend to be at the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles where I plan on attending as many women's basketball games as possible and getting to whatever additional events I can afford to see.
2. One of my most happy places on earth is Barnes & Noble. I credit this to the fact that my mom has worked there since I was in 1st grade (March 4th was her first day - I was star student at school that week). I even consider the Barnes & Noble Cafe one of my favorite places to go to eat, and it's definitely my favorite coffee shop.
3. I really enjoy going for long walks (as in 4 miles generally feels too short). One of my favorite things about my Disney trip last spring was the amount of walking I did every day. My feet and legs were barely even sore by the end. I seriously miss the amount of walking that I did at Disney World. Last weekend I discovered hiking. I'm hoping to turn it into a hobby that fulfills my desire to walk and explore constantly.
4. My two absolute favorite movies are also ones that I can't allow myself to watch unless I'm already in a good mood. Homeward Bound is my favorite, but I cry through basically the whole movie because the idea of dogs getting left behind and then nearly getting killed as they try to get home just destroys me. Frozen is my second favorite, but it hits way too close to home for me.
5. One of my bucket list items is to watch every Disney movie in existence in chronological order. Except I might have to skip Eight Below because it was basically 2 hours of non-stop crying (for basically the same reasons as Homeward Bound - except not all the dogs make it out alive). I'm also still trying to decide if it's worth trying to push myself through Hocus Pocus because I'm such a big wimp when it comes to horror movies that I've never made it past the first 15 minutes of that movie - even though it's supposedly a children's comedy...
6. My two most recent TV guilty pleasures are Pretty Little Liars (because I'm a sucker for suspense shows) and Dance Moms (because I'm fascinated by watching quality dance performances - also one of the moms used to be a teacher and I appreciate the sanity that she and her daughter bring to the show).
7. As a trained singer, I tend to judge other singers less by how "good" they sound and more by how healthy their technique sounds. I cringe when I hear unhealthy technique not necessarily because it sounds bad but because the only thought running through my head is "Oh, I'm afraid you're going to get nodes or damage your voice in some other way."
8. I appreciate humor, but I'm not a particularly humorous person. Anytime that I think of something that I think is funny, I wind up laughing at it halfway through saying it which 1) means that no one understands what I'm saying in order to get the humor, and 2) is the basically the world's biggest faux pas when telling a joke; so I usually just think it in my head and quietly laugh to myself, which probably makes me look super awkward anyway. As such, the most intimidating advice I've ever been given as a teacher is to find something to laugh about during every class you have each day because humor is something that doesn't come naturally to me.
9. My cooperating teacher when I was student teaching for music told me that if you're having a bad day it means you haven't eaten enough chocolate. I wholeheartedly live by this rule.
10. I've recently come to the conclusion that while I love working with teens, I don't love teaching them. But I love teaching elementary-aged kids - they're exhausting but so much fun to teach (seriously, the awe they express at talking about things like quarter notes is refreshing and invigorating).
11. I know exactly where I want to go and what I want to do for my Master's degree, but life circumstances keep pushing back the timeline for when I can get started. This super bums me out, but it also means that I'm learning to put other aspects of my life ahead of my career and studies, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
12. I really love my job this year. I also feel incredibly inferior for not having a full-time teaching position, even though most people I talk to agree that it's a really good foot in the door.
13. Worship and prayer have always been a huge part of my faith life. Reading my Bible has tended to come and go in streaks. This is something I'm trying to work on (also forcing myself to read more from the Old Testament rather than continuing to revisit the letters of the New Testament for the umpteenth time).
14. Finding new church homes has been an incredibly difficult, anxiety-inducing activity every time it's come up in my life. It generally takes me at least a year, sometimes more, to find a new church home each time I move to a new location or feel God's call that it's time to move on. For this I feel like an awful Christian, especially compared to my friends who have strong faith lives.
15. Cleaning and de-cluttering are major anxiety triggers for me. I can't do either activity for more than about an hour at a time, and not more than a few hours in a day, and I can't attack it for multiple days in a row. My brain gets too clogged. Having anyone help makes it worse because I don't know how to verbalize what I want done, so they end up doing it wrong, and I have to redo it anyway. I'm pretty sure that my inability to fully de-clutter and clean all at once drives most people around me crazy.
16. Often the first symptom of anxiety I experience is a tightness in my chest, but that can be dissipated by having pressure against my chest. This is why I often stand with my arms crossed even though I'm told it's a horrible non-verbal communication habit. It's also why I prefer to wear tighter fitting tops or wear tightly-fitting tank tops under loose-fitting clothing - simply wearing loose-fitting tops on their own makes me irrationally feel like the whole world is spinning out of control.
17. Back when I was on a medical leave a couple of years ago, I decided that I wanted to write a memoir about my experience living with anxiety. I'd drifted away from the idea for a while (even earlier this year feeling I had set it aside for good), but based on some experiences and epiphanies I had over the summer, I've come back to the task with greater focus than ever before. I've been doing what research I can online about what makes a good memoir and am starting to read popular/successful memoirs as I work to write my own. I've narrowed my focus to a theme of the destructive nature of living with a high-functioning mood disorder and what it looks like to rebuild a life out of its ruins (someday I will figure out a more concise way to state that). I'm really excited about the progress I'm making, but I'm also learning that some things I'll have to approach slowly and with breaks in between because it turns out revisiting some of the most difficult experiences of my life brings me to a dark place that I can't allow myself to dwell in for long periods of time. It's also really hard to wait to share the writing I've already done, but I feel like I need to get a lot more down on paper before I get feedback (particularly about which stories should be kept and which stories should be set aside - though I have a few non-negotiable ones to keep). This might also be the first time that I'm excited to get feedback on writing to make it the best that it can be. (P.S. If you're interested in reading one or more drafts and giving me feedback when I get to that point, please let me know).
18. I'm an insanely competitive person. I generally try to appear non-competitive because I feel like I'm not allowed to be competitive (though I don't know why this is), but it kind of crushes me inside when I lose at most anything. This extends to when I play games against myself, and I get upset when my favorite game piece loses (or rig the game to make sure it wins...)
19. I generally can't stand hosting things. It's a lot of stress and pressure to entertain people and make them happy. Also, if you're familiar with the Biblical story of Mary and Martha, I'm 100% a Mary - I'm all about quality time and literally completely forget about providing for people's basic needs. If you ever come over and want a glass of water or something, please ask because I will almost certainly forget to ask you if you want anything to drink until after you've been here for a few hours.
20. My Myers-Briggs typology has generally been ISFJ (though the J sometimes leans P because I like closure but anxiety brain likes the idea of being able to change decisions if they turn out to be wrong). Lately I've had a hard time with all the descriptions of how an ISFJ's focus and priority tends to be on making their loved ones comfortable because I wonder if I really want to make other people's lives/experiences better or if I'm just afraid that they'll ditch me if I don't attempt to take care of their every need (also because I'm generally bad at taking care of people's physical needs - see #19). Then I realized all the times in the last couple of months that I saw someone in my life who was unhappy (if even for a short while) and immediately and instinctively started brainstorming ways to fix it (or got frustrated because I didn't know how to fix it) - and anxiety brain was more likely to stop me from acting on that list than it was likely to help me make it (because I don't want to say/do the wrong thing or try to do something and have the person think that I'm over-stepping).
21. One of my dreams is to adopt a sibling group out of foster care. My rational brain knows how challenging that road could be, but my heart is so drawn to the idea that it feels like a calling.
22. Like many girls, I've dreamed about my someday, far-off wedding (even though I've been single for a decade now - thanks, Facebook, for that fun reminder). For my father-daughter dance, I can't decide between Stephen Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella" or the polka "In Heaven There Is No Beer" - the former because it's perfect for mine and my dad's relationship (even though it's now the cliche song to use), and the latter because my dad and I always dance to polkas at weddings, and this one has the most amusing lyrics.
23. My dog has fear-aggression and territorial/protective issues. Especially with strange dogs, strange people, and basically any small children. I try to work with him on it, but after 5 years I'm exhausted and, as a result, much more accepting of these behaviors as something that I may not be able to change. I often feel like the world's worst dog owner for not wanting to put more effort toward correcting his negative behaviors.
24. I accepted long ago that I will always be covered in dog fur. I don't even bother lint rolling my clothes anymore unless it's something really important (like an interview or a performance).
25. My dog's two favorite words are "breakfast-time" and "supper-time." When I say them, he does this quirky little dance that consists of running back and forth like crazy while almost falling over due to his overwhelming excitement while also jumping up on his hind legs every so often. Watching him do this dance at mealtimes is my favorite part of every day. Even on my worst days, it never fails to make me smile.
1. I fully intend to be at the 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles where I plan on attending as many women's basketball games as possible and getting to whatever additional events I can afford to see.
2. One of my most happy places on earth is Barnes & Noble. I credit this to the fact that my mom has worked there since I was in 1st grade (March 4th was her first day - I was star student at school that week). I even consider the Barnes & Noble Cafe one of my favorite places to go to eat, and it's definitely my favorite coffee shop.
3. I really enjoy going for long walks (as in 4 miles generally feels too short). One of my favorite things about my Disney trip last spring was the amount of walking I did every day. My feet and legs were barely even sore by the end. I seriously miss the amount of walking that I did at Disney World. Last weekend I discovered hiking. I'm hoping to turn it into a hobby that fulfills my desire to walk and explore constantly.
4. My two absolute favorite movies are also ones that I can't allow myself to watch unless I'm already in a good mood. Homeward Bound is my favorite, but I cry through basically the whole movie because the idea of dogs getting left behind and then nearly getting killed as they try to get home just destroys me. Frozen is my second favorite, but it hits way too close to home for me.
5. One of my bucket list items is to watch every Disney movie in existence in chronological order. Except I might have to skip Eight Below because it was basically 2 hours of non-stop crying (for basically the same reasons as Homeward Bound - except not all the dogs make it out alive). I'm also still trying to decide if it's worth trying to push myself through Hocus Pocus because I'm such a big wimp when it comes to horror movies that I've never made it past the first 15 minutes of that movie - even though it's supposedly a children's comedy...
6. My two most recent TV guilty pleasures are Pretty Little Liars (because I'm a sucker for suspense shows) and Dance Moms (because I'm fascinated by watching quality dance performances - also one of the moms used to be a teacher and I appreciate the sanity that she and her daughter bring to the show).
7. As a trained singer, I tend to judge other singers less by how "good" they sound and more by how healthy their technique sounds. I cringe when I hear unhealthy technique not necessarily because it sounds bad but because the only thought running through my head is "Oh, I'm afraid you're going to get nodes or damage your voice in some other way."
8. I appreciate humor, but I'm not a particularly humorous person. Anytime that I think of something that I think is funny, I wind up laughing at it halfway through saying it which 1) means that no one understands what I'm saying in order to get the humor, and 2) is the basically the world's biggest faux pas when telling a joke; so I usually just think it in my head and quietly laugh to myself, which probably makes me look super awkward anyway. As such, the most intimidating advice I've ever been given as a teacher is to find something to laugh about during every class you have each day because humor is something that doesn't come naturally to me.
9. My cooperating teacher when I was student teaching for music told me that if you're having a bad day it means you haven't eaten enough chocolate. I wholeheartedly live by this rule.
10. I've recently come to the conclusion that while I love working with teens, I don't love teaching them. But I love teaching elementary-aged kids - they're exhausting but so much fun to teach (seriously, the awe they express at talking about things like quarter notes is refreshing and invigorating).
11. I know exactly where I want to go and what I want to do for my Master's degree, but life circumstances keep pushing back the timeline for when I can get started. This super bums me out, but it also means that I'm learning to put other aspects of my life ahead of my career and studies, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
12. I really love my job this year. I also feel incredibly inferior for not having a full-time teaching position, even though most people I talk to agree that it's a really good foot in the door.
13. Worship and prayer have always been a huge part of my faith life. Reading my Bible has tended to come and go in streaks. This is something I'm trying to work on (also forcing myself to read more from the Old Testament rather than continuing to revisit the letters of the New Testament for the umpteenth time).
14. Finding new church homes has been an incredibly difficult, anxiety-inducing activity every time it's come up in my life. It generally takes me at least a year, sometimes more, to find a new church home each time I move to a new location or feel God's call that it's time to move on. For this I feel like an awful Christian, especially compared to my friends who have strong faith lives.
15. Cleaning and de-cluttering are major anxiety triggers for me. I can't do either activity for more than about an hour at a time, and not more than a few hours in a day, and I can't attack it for multiple days in a row. My brain gets too clogged. Having anyone help makes it worse because I don't know how to verbalize what I want done, so they end up doing it wrong, and I have to redo it anyway. I'm pretty sure that my inability to fully de-clutter and clean all at once drives most people around me crazy.
16. Often the first symptom of anxiety I experience is a tightness in my chest, but that can be dissipated by having pressure against my chest. This is why I often stand with my arms crossed even though I'm told it's a horrible non-verbal communication habit. It's also why I prefer to wear tighter fitting tops or wear tightly-fitting tank tops under loose-fitting clothing - simply wearing loose-fitting tops on their own makes me irrationally feel like the whole world is spinning out of control.
17. Back when I was on a medical leave a couple of years ago, I decided that I wanted to write a memoir about my experience living with anxiety. I'd drifted away from the idea for a while (even earlier this year feeling I had set it aside for good), but based on some experiences and epiphanies I had over the summer, I've come back to the task with greater focus than ever before. I've been doing what research I can online about what makes a good memoir and am starting to read popular/successful memoirs as I work to write my own. I've narrowed my focus to a theme of the destructive nature of living with a high-functioning mood disorder and what it looks like to rebuild a life out of its ruins (someday I will figure out a more concise way to state that). I'm really excited about the progress I'm making, but I'm also learning that some things I'll have to approach slowly and with breaks in between because it turns out revisiting some of the most difficult experiences of my life brings me to a dark place that I can't allow myself to dwell in for long periods of time. It's also really hard to wait to share the writing I've already done, but I feel like I need to get a lot more down on paper before I get feedback (particularly about which stories should be kept and which stories should be set aside - though I have a few non-negotiable ones to keep). This might also be the first time that I'm excited to get feedback on writing to make it the best that it can be. (P.S. If you're interested in reading one or more drafts and giving me feedback when I get to that point, please let me know).
18. I'm an insanely competitive person. I generally try to appear non-competitive because I feel like I'm not allowed to be competitive (though I don't know why this is), but it kind of crushes me inside when I lose at most anything. This extends to when I play games against myself, and I get upset when my favorite game piece loses (or rig the game to make sure it wins...)
19. I generally can't stand hosting things. It's a lot of stress and pressure to entertain people and make them happy. Also, if you're familiar with the Biblical story of Mary and Martha, I'm 100% a Mary - I'm all about quality time and literally completely forget about providing for people's basic needs. If you ever come over and want a glass of water or something, please ask because I will almost certainly forget to ask you if you want anything to drink until after you've been here for a few hours.
20. My Myers-Briggs typology has generally been ISFJ (though the J sometimes leans P because I like closure but anxiety brain likes the idea of being able to change decisions if they turn out to be wrong). Lately I've had a hard time with all the descriptions of how an ISFJ's focus and priority tends to be on making their loved ones comfortable because I wonder if I really want to make other people's lives/experiences better or if I'm just afraid that they'll ditch me if I don't attempt to take care of their every need (also because I'm generally bad at taking care of people's physical needs - see #19). Then I realized all the times in the last couple of months that I saw someone in my life who was unhappy (if even for a short while) and immediately and instinctively started brainstorming ways to fix it (or got frustrated because I didn't know how to fix it) - and anxiety brain was more likely to stop me from acting on that list than it was likely to help me make it (because I don't want to say/do the wrong thing or try to do something and have the person think that I'm over-stepping).
21. One of my dreams is to adopt a sibling group out of foster care. My rational brain knows how challenging that road could be, but my heart is so drawn to the idea that it feels like a calling.
22. Like many girls, I've dreamed about my someday, far-off wedding (even though I've been single for a decade now - thanks, Facebook, for that fun reminder). For my father-daughter dance, I can't decide between Stephen Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella" or the polka "In Heaven There Is No Beer" - the former because it's perfect for mine and my dad's relationship (even though it's now the cliche song to use), and the latter because my dad and I always dance to polkas at weddings, and this one has the most amusing lyrics.
23. My dog has fear-aggression and territorial/protective issues. Especially with strange dogs, strange people, and basically any small children. I try to work with him on it, but after 5 years I'm exhausted and, as a result, much more accepting of these behaviors as something that I may not be able to change. I often feel like the world's worst dog owner for not wanting to put more effort toward correcting his negative behaviors.
24. I accepted long ago that I will always be covered in dog fur. I don't even bother lint rolling my clothes anymore unless it's something really important (like an interview or a performance).
25. My dog's two favorite words are "breakfast-time" and "supper-time." When I say them, he does this quirky little dance that consists of running back and forth like crazy while almost falling over due to his overwhelming excitement while also jumping up on his hind legs every so often. Watching him do this dance at mealtimes is my favorite part of every day. Even on my worst days, it never fails to make me smile.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)