I first visited North Heights about two years ago the week before Palm Sunday. I came in a deeply broken person, attempting to cope with social anxiety and depression while working in a toxic environment and trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship with God after feeling like I'd been betrayed by nearly every faith community I'd been a part of since high school. When I first visited, I hoped to find a place where I could get lost in the crowd and just worship until it felt safe to actually be part of a faith community.
I don't remember much about my first visit, other than crying almost the whole way through worship (thank you, social anxiety), but it must have been a positive enough experience to convince me to keep coming in the following weeks. In those weeks I learned that one of the pastors was also a psychologist, and in the way he preached, I knew that in him I had at least one person who would not condemn me for the symptoms of my mental health disorders as other Christian friends and leaders had done in the past. I remember feeling the attitude of worship, more than just going through the motions, in the entire congregation. I remember experiencing the marketplace scene of the Easter production on Palm Sunday and for the first time understanding why Palm Sunday was such a big deal. I remember thinking "This is the church with a Lutheran foundation and non-denominational worship that I've been looking for." Then, my hopes to get lost in the crowd were dashed as a member recognized me as a new face in the crowd and insisted that I joined him for brunch (in the mostly friendly way, I assure you), but I, being afraid of people in general (and church people in particular, at the time), talked my way out of it and didn't return until the following February. (A part of me is sad that I lost all that time, but as our time comes to a close, I'm trying not to waste it on regrets.)
Once my mental health started to get back on track the following year (and once my parents left my childhood church), it felt time to step out on my own again, and I returned to North Heights. A person much more comfortable with myself than I had been during my previous visits, and a person who was no longer so closed off to the world that she had unintentionally closed God out as well, I allowed myself to fully worship for the first time in years, possibly ever. Having grown up in a fairly traditional Lutheran church, I didn't feel comfortable raising my hands or moving around quite yet, but it was refreshing to be among others that worshiped freely. For the first time in worship, I remember literally feeling the Holy Spirit flow through the congregation. I remember learning to worship while listening as the Praise & Worship choir sang during the offering; it's the first time I ever heard a church choir sing that didn't feel like a performance. I left exhilarated that day, and I kept coming back. Despite the fact that I hadn't even had a conversation with anyone, I knew that I was home.
As I continued my journey at North Heights, I began to grow. I prayed more often. I actually committed to reading my Bible because, for the first time in my life, the majority of the people around me had much deeper Biblical knowledge than I do (there have previously been individuals, but not an entire faith community). I added learning to read in Greek to my bucket list because it turns out that if you look at parts of the New Testament in its original Greek, you gain a completely different perspective on scripture that you've heard dozens of times.
At North Heights, for the first time in my life, my faith was actually challenged. My picture of God completely changed. I grew up in a more traditional Lutheran church, where we had a tendency to put God in this safe little box that we could mostly understand and left all that spiritual stuff to the Baptists/Evangelicals/Non-denominationals/etc. In the past year, I've been challenged to let God out of the safe little box and be present in the world in all His unfathomable power. I've been challenged to see that the Holy Spirit is just as alive and moving in the world today as it was in the days of the early church. I've been challenged to love my neighbor in new ways as I am constantly reminded that our war is not with flesh and blood but with Satan and his forces of darkness. I've been challenged to live in bold faith and trust that God will provide and that God has a plan, even when none of that makes sense to me. I've been challenged to not just show up at church but to take it with me when I leave. Even in these last days, I've been challenged to look at scripture that I'd heard so many times I'd become numb to it in new and meaningful ways.
While I've always felt somehow part of the family at North Heights, I was blessed with the opportunity to make it more official when I joined both the Praise & Worship Choir and Chorale. Though I continue to be my shy, quiet self, I have always felt a part of things, always felt loved. When I have big prayer requests or praise reports to share, I look forward to the opportunity to share them with my choir families. I've sometimes given up traditions and sanity to continue to sing with my choir families this year because they keep me connected and have held me accountable (whether they realize that or not).
When I first heard rumblings of division at North Heights, I never imagined that the journey would end with the church's closing. I grew up at a church with plenty of issues, but they remain open (though have faced budget issues and have cut staff in the past). I find myself in a weird place in all of this as I joined the family so late in the life of the congregation, and I find myself on the outskirts of conflict, though I've felt its ripples. I don't know much, but what I do know, and what I've seen, brings me hope. I've seen Jesus live up to His promise that He would be present wherever two or three are gathered. I've seen a congregation worship with their entire hearts, souls, and minds. I've seen people who care about each other, support each other, and challenge each other to live their faith. I've seen people who have prayerfully remained obedient to God, even when it hasn't been easy. I've seen a community that God has prepared to exit the doors of the building and be the Church in the world.
Just because the building is closing its doors, doesn't mean that there is no Church. Just because we are not all worshiping at the same place does not mean that we are not part of the Church body. Looking at all that God has challenged us to do in recent months - to trust Him to do much with our little, to make bold moves, to take the things we do inside the church walls like pray and worship and provide for each other - what seemed like lessons that were preparing to rebuild our church now appear like they were more likely intended to be lessons to prepare us to help build the greater Church. I see the amazing things that God has done in and through the people of North Heights in the last year, and I am still in awe. We each take a piece of that with us as we leave. I'm sad that this journey is coming to a close, but I'm also so excited to see how God takes each and every one of us at North Heights and uses us to go into the world.
Two weeks ago when we learned of a major staffing change at North Heights, I found myself praying, "Here I am, Lord. Send me." I didn't imagine that His mission for me might be at another church, but I know that he has prepared me for it, wherever I land. For that, I thank God for bringing me to North Heights and preparing me; through Him I am a stronger, more faithful person than when I walked it. But I also know that God can't do that work without His people following His call, and for that, my North Heights family, I thank you.
"Unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains alone, but if it dies it bears much fruit." ~ John 12:24
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" ~ Jeremiah 29:11
