- I have the deeply held belief that everyone in the world notices and negatively judges my every flaw, mistake, and/or imperfection, no matter how small.
- I also believe that these negative judgements will have terrible repercussions in the future, even if said judgements are made by people who, at the time, are complete strangers.
- In recent years, the majority of times that I have dared to convince myself that these beliefs are ridiculous and irrational, and I attempt to live my life believing that it's okay to just be the best that I can, it has blown up in my face, even with people that had previously been positive supports in my life.
- When I dare to trust people enough to share my imperfections and get hurt, it results in a mental health crisis.
- Mental health crises are NOT fun. Therefore, I generally try to avoid them, meaning that I avoid anything that might trigger them.
- The best way I've learned to avoid mental health crises thus far is to throw all of my energy into appearing to be perfect all the time.
- This means that rather than dare to share my imperfections with people and have them judge and abandon me, I close myself off to everyone on some level, even fearing to share some of my deepest struggles with mental health professionals.
- In summary: I have massive trust issues - I do not trust that people will still like me and/or stick around once they know that I'm imperfect. And I literally do not know how to not care what people think about me (even when said people are complete strangers that I will most likely never see again). This all gets exponentially worse when it's people that I desperately want to keep in my life - both friends and mentors.
- I'm not sure where/how all of this developed. I just know what is right now and what the only way I've ever known how to cope with it is.
- All of this pretty much sums up what, in my case, it's like to have social anxiety. And when I hear enough negative judgements about the same thing, I start to believe that they're true and that I'm worthless - which is where the depression kicks in.
To give you a more specific example: My therapist works out of a clinic in downtown Minneapolis, and I always feel extremely self-conscious about what I'm wearing as I walk through a skyway filled with business professionals - I feel like wearing even jeans separates me from the crowd and that everyone notices and judges me for it. Today when I woke up, all I wanted to do was wear yoga pants and miraculously managed to convince myself that it was okay to wear them out in public. (I generally believe that if I wear sweats or athletic pants out in public that people will judge me as lazy or as a slob or as someone who ought to be pictured on the "People of Walmart" website.) As soon as I entered the waiting room and stood in line to check in at the clinic, I nearly had a panic attack, regretting my choice to wear yoga pants to my appointment, feeling that people were going to notice and judge me negatively.
The truth of the story is that I convinced myself to wear the yoga pants in public today, and that alone is a big accomplishment for me (which my therapist pointed out when I explained the whole story), but then I feel like a horrible, worthless person because I should be accomplishing so much more. I should be able to take care of normal household chores without feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack. I should be working. I should be able to not care about the negative thoughts that complete strangers may or may not be having about me.
I'm well-aware of the danger of the word "should." But it doesn't change the fact that I feel like the whole world is watching and judging me as I extend my medical leave through the end of the school year. I was supposed to be one of the people who had it all together. I had the grades. I had the drive. I had the empathy and compassion to help other people. I had the strong faith. I grew up in a highly stable, middle class family with incredibly loving parents who supported me without being overbearing. I had everything going for me. But my anxiety has paralyzed me, and I feel like the whole world is watching and judging, including people who have been positive supports in the past. I feel like everyone I've ever known is watching and thinking either "Oh my word, you are NOT the person I thought you were (in a bad way)" or "My word, get your life together already! You've been talking about working through this mental illness stuff for years now!"
So this is what I'm going to be working on in the coming weeks. I'm working to not isolate. I'm working on daring to open up to people who are positive supports. I'm trying to learn how to trust people. And hopefully eventually I'll figure out how to not care what other people think about me and how to not believe that everyone sees the worst in me.
If you're looking to help? Right now I could honestly use all of the reassurance I can get. Comment. Message me. Call. Text. Like the Facebook post. Just let me know that you're on my side. And keep telling me. I don't say this to seem needy. I say this because, as my group therapist pointed out to me yesterday, I have lots of negative experiences that I keep replaying in my head that are keeping me from trusting people, and I could use some positive ones to replace them with.
