Renewal

Anyone who's read my blog in the last year or so knows that it's been a really rough journey. After spending a year at a school I loved, though teaching was often stressful (which I'm told generally happens during your first year), and after being told for that entire year that they hoped there would be a place for me after my one-year temporary position contract, I lost out on two open positions to out-of-district teachers with over a decade of experience and didn't even get an interview for another long-term-sub position that I was encouraged to apply for. My summer was one filled with the stress of trying to find a new job, and, after accepting a position with only two weeks before new teacher workshops started, trying to move to the opposite corner of the metro I live in and get ready to teach courses covering material I hadn't looked at since I was a high school student myself. I tried to embrace the new place as much as family and friends were embracing it for me, but it never felt quite right.
The fall was supposed to be a chance at starting over in a happier place. I had a job that had a better chance of being long-term, which eased a lot of stress. And come the end of summer, for the first time for over a year I felt a deep need to reconnect with God, if only just through worship. But nothing ever really came to fruition. The more time I spent in the new school, the more I felt out-of-place. And an unexpected rejection from one of the few faith communities I still felt connected to sent me back to the "faith is painful" stage that I'd been in for most of the preceding year. I kind of held it together through the end of December, and after a brief period where it felt like I was climbing out of the pit of despair, I learned that I had much further to fall, and everything felt like it fell apart.
My parents kept telling me that all I had to do was make it to Spring Break, and then I could spend my entire week-and-a-half off catching up and working ahead so that I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed (which by the way, made me feel so overwhelmed that I could barely function well enough to halfway catch up over break). The day I went back to school, I was surviving on barely a half hour of sleep and trying to figure out how I was going to deal with the upcoming two weeks of rehearsals for Chalkboard Capers (which I will henceforth refer to as "Chalkboard" as everyone in the show does), a district-wide teacher variety show that raises scholarship money for graduating seniors in the district. I almost decided to quit Chalkboard that day, which was the day of our first rehearsal, but some sort of nagging thing within me told me not to. It's the best choice I've made for myself in over a year.
Being a part of Chalkboard was like a new start for me. For the first time, I felt connected to and proud of being a teacher in my district. I got to spend time with a bunch of teachers from around the district that I'd never met before but who welcomed me with open arms and who made continual efforts to include me as I was the token high school teacher (in the choir at least; there was one from the other high school who did skits and an additional handful who were in the band, but they don't count because the band doesn't associate with anyone in the show except for themselves - seriously college all over again). Being surrounded by mostly elementary school teachers and a handful of middle school teachers, I was reminded what it's like to be around teachers who aren't afraid to be a little goofy sometimes. I do love my high school colleagues, but they're very stuffy, formal people a lot of the time who tend to avoid stepping out of their comfort zones. The people at Chalkboard were different. And for the first time in many years, I got to participate in a choir (more of a showchoir, really) that was relaxed, fun, and, while striving to put on a good performance was not focused on perfection and professionalism. It was a fresh breath of air. Yes, for two weeks I was exhausted and fell incredibly behind on grading and posting student resources online, but I haven't felt this good in ages. And I mostly don't care that I'm as behind as I am. Other than a couple of very high-stress days, I've felt fairly happy for almost three weeks. And I don't see an incoming downhill like I experienced at the end of January. We have under two months left in the school year, and I'm actually starting to feel like they'll fly by.
I can't say for sure what hit my reset button. Chalkboard was certainly a part of it, and Chalkboard is where I've sent most of my credit when talking to colleagues, partially as an attempt to get more of them involved next year because, seriously, these people are missing out. (As a sidenote, my positive Chalkboard experience might just be enough to keep me in my current district). A focus on March Madness probably helped me a bit too; I always seem to be happier when I'm emerged in following women's basketball. It could even be the improving weather and the increasing daylight (PS - if I start getting super depressed and anxious come winter next year, someone remind me to talk to my doctor about Seasonal Affective Disorder; I've blamed it on circumstance up to this point, but I'll definitely be watching to see if the pattern repeats next year). Whatever it is, I'm feeling better, and it's exciting and freeing.
And it's allowing me to live my life differently. I can handle challenges differently. It's been a very stressful week for my family as my dad's work life has been turned upside down when he learned Monday that his company sold off the portion of the business that he's worked in the whole time he's been there, laying off everyone in his department except him and selling off all the accounts that he works on. Still having a job is a good thing, but it's also been weird to think of losing all the people he works with, including his customers. And I definitely went through a small grieving process myself, but I feel like I'm going to be okay. Then yesterday I ended my week by having to spent my last-hour prep dealing with an unexpected behavioral issue that a student proceeded to blow completely out of proportion in the last twenty minutes of my last class of a week. It was incredibly annoying, but by the end, instead of feeling anxious and depressed, I felt like things were going to be okay. And, after Chalkboard reminded me that it's okay to do something just for myself sometimes (and my decision to participate had nothing to do with the benefit it provides to anyone else but everything to do with the fact that I thought it would be super fun), I'm trying to take time for myself. I've promised myself that any school day that I get home before 4pm, I'll go for a run (which unfortunately didn't manage to happen this week). I've put sleep ahead of getting things done for school (most nights). I'm planning on doing a full grocery shop for the first time in about three months later today. (As a note: I love grocery shopping. I always get to buy what I want and I don't feel guilty about spending the money because food is necessary to, you know, live). And I'm committing to finding a church to start worshiping at, starting tomorrow.
And I'm actually excited to go to church tomorrow. There's one I've been thinking about checking out since last fall, and I'm planning to actually make it there tomorrow. And, while last fall I had just been looking to find a place to worship, I'm now looking at this church as a place where I could potentially get involved. Maybe not quite yet as I'm still a little nervous about opening up to people, which you're pretty much required to do if you want to be a part of a faith community. But the thought of a future is there. For a while I've thought of this particular church, which is your a multi-campus mega-church, as a place to worship in anonymity until I feel comfortable to be part of a community at which point I figured I'd find a smaller place, the more I've read on their website through the morning, the more I feel like it's a place where the focus fits my own faith focus. Growing up in a smaller church, I've spent time with many people, some of whom I love dearly, who turn their nose up at larger churches as places where people show up to go through the motions of attending church but aren't really involved in their faith. Maybe I've let those opinions get to me as I've thought about finding a new church home. But then I remember that the church I attended through college (and that I wish I could still attend) is a relatively large church, and I absolutely love it there. So I'm excited to try out this new church, and, while I know that I can't judge it just by reading its website, I think it might be a place where I could settle in. And it might be a place that actually challenges me in my faith, which is a scary yet exciting prospect.
So the point of this post, I guess, is that after a really rough year, I'm doing better. A lot better. As in actually feeling like I might manage to be happy for an extended period of time. And I'm actually excited for where life is going to take me, because for the first time in a long time, I think it might actually be good.