When you start teaching at a new school, everyone asks you if you like it there. Who's ever going to answer "No."? The truth is that I've never quite settled in to my new school. Maybe I just got spoiled when I got to spend my first year teaching at a school that would have been one of my top 5 choices if I could have chosen anywhere to teach. My current job I chose more out of desperation than anything else - it was July 31 and I'd had no other offers all summer. But the district had good benefits and the school is considered one of the top-notch public high schools in the state, so I figured myself lucky. Plus I would get to teach higher-level classes, which I considered a perk. But I have yet to settle in. People keep asking me if I'm happy and if I feel like it's a good fit. What am I supposed to say? I seem to be the only person who doesn't think it's the most amazing place in the world to be. So I attempt to be convincing when I politely respond that I enjoy being there, and quickly attempt to end the conversation or at least change the topic. My new district is the kind of place where most teachers dream of being able to teach. So why am I so unhappy? A couple of months ago a mentor whose wisdom I greatly value and trust told me that the first school you teach at will still feel like home long after you've left, and it takes years to adjust to your new school. I tried to hold on to this to survive, but lately I'm finding it less convincing.
You see, I came up with a new analogy last weekend. When I was looking at colleges, in particularly ELCA Lutheran colleges in and around Minnesota, someone once said that if you want a formal environment, you should go to St. Olaf, but if you want to be somewhere where people and faculty are more approachable, you should go to Concordia. This only affirmed and solidified my long-time plans to attend Concordia. The environment was a fit. Now, last week was our "Winter Week" that ended in a Friday afternoon pepfest. As I sat in my assigned supervisory row of bleachers before the pepfest began, I noticed our principal walking through the gym in a full suit on the school spirit day where all were encouraged to wear school colors. This was a far cry from my last school's principal who was known to sport zubaz that displayed the school colors on our school spirit day. It was then that it struck me. My old school was like Concordia. My new school is like St. Olaf. I don't know that it'll ever be a fit. And with that realization, and, honestly, the pepfest that followed, I realized all of the things that I've come to miss.
I miss pepfests, or "community celebrations" as they were called, that existed to celebrate student achievements, share student talent, and make students aware of just all that was going on around the school as compared to pepfests where half the point is for students to act completely crazy. I miss pepfests where teachers didn't have to be assigned to specific rows of bleachers for the purpose of crowd control. To be honest, I miss pepfests where I got to watch a repeat state champion dance team, because I've always admired people who can dance, and once you've seen the best, you also know when what you're watching isn't the best (entirely superficial, but at least I'm being honest). And I miss pepfests where I at least recognized most of the kids involved because the school community was such that I recognized and/or knew names of tons of students who had never stepped foot in my classroom.
I miss the community. Not just the school, but the city. I miss the feel of modern suburbia. I miss the parks and the paths connecting all parts of the neighborhood I lived in. I miss the feeling of "home" that I felt just driving through a neighborhood near the school before my first interview there. And I miss the tradition. I miss the community that wanted to hold on to all of its traditions of over a hundred years (the school as an entity was over 100 years old) while still offering all of the opportunity of the modern world. I miss being part of a community where people still sing the national anthem at sporting events rather than letting it be a diva kind of performance. I miss the tradition that led to the recognition of Veteran's Day at a pepfest which included recognizing staff and community veterans as well as students who were enlisting in the military after graduation. And when the honor guard brought the flags to center court of the gym, you could have heard a pin drop; the kids understood what it was all about.
I miss the school focus. While academics were important, academic excellence wasn't the be-all-end-all. Achievements in academics, athletics, arts, and activities were valued at an equal level. It was made known almost daily what types of activities were going on around the school; at my new school it seems to be an afterthought that I never learn of until the day of when it's too late to plan for it. I miss a place where value was placed on nurturing the whole child. Where, while academics were emphasized as a priority, there was a general consensus that students should be allowed to be kids while they could and not be overburdened with academics. Where students weren't allowed to take AP classes until sophomore year, and even then they were only allowed to take one where they learned the study skills that helped them be successful in future ones. At my new school, many of my freshman and sophomore students are dying under their self-imposed AP/Honors everything course loads, dropping nearly all of their activities and getting minimal sleep in an attempt to keep up. I miss being in a school that supported giving less homework that was more meaningful. Actually, I miss being in a school that supported innovative ways of approaching homework that made life easier on teachers and students alike. I miss the school where kids were allowed to be kids every day because they have the rest of their lives to work. I miss the school where they had counselors who supported not only students' academic/registration needs but also their mental, emotional, and social needs (as well as sometimes my own).
I miss the opportunities to be different. I miss being somewhere where there was support for trying new ideas ideas. My department colleagues were trying all sorts of new things that intrigued me and that I wanted to try before I wound up in a school where those ideas wouldn't be accepted. I miss feeling like I was allowed to be an individual teacher who taught the same objectives and gave the same assessments but wasn't expected to teach nearly identically to others who taught the same course (which is where it feels like my new school is headed). I miss the themed professional development: at the time a multi-year focus on grading practices that started dozens of impromptu conversations among teachers. I miss the opportunity for daily collaboration; given, not all teachers were able to do this, but I miss my common-course prep where two of my Algebra 2 colleagues and I got to share instructional strategies daily and from whom I received daily mental/emotional support as a first-year teacher.
I miss the dumb little things. Like being allowed to make my own copies without getting a guilt-trip for using the expensive copier. Like not having to by things like paper clips and staples out of my own pocket. Like the tablet laptop that I got to use. Like having a large classroom with high ceilings, two walls with windows, and right next to a stairwell surrounded by windows. Like being surrounded by people who had shared the experience of being in a real lock down for over 3 hours. Like having two prep periods. Like having a modified block schedule. Like not being allowed to wear nice flip flops on a casual Friday in warmer months. Like the staff potluck at lunch the day before winter break. Like Turkey Bingo put on for school staff by student council which was one of the must-be-there staff social events of the year. I miss not starting school until after 8am. I miss having a communal teacher office that allowed me to escape from my classroom during my prep or even before or after school when I wasn't working with students (or when I had work to do before working with students who showed up unexpectedly an hour before school started...)
I miss the kids. I miss how they called me by my shortened last name rather than insisting on using my mouthful of a full last name. I miss how they frequently requested that I come support them in their activities. I miss the solid relationships that I built with them that I can't manage to even find a foundation for with my new students.
And I miss the people I worked with. I miss working in the same building as a mentor who'd already known me for over 5 years and who I swear sometimes knows me better than I know myself. I miss the secretary I saw most often who always brightened my day. I miss the colleague that usually stuck her head in my classroom if I was still at school more than an hour after the official school day was done and told me that I needed to go home. I miss the colleague who gave me a hard time for the many (empty) Triscuit boxes on my desk and then gifted me with one box of every type of Triscuit in existence when I left at the end of the year. I miss the colleague who was unafraid to tell it like it was yet who was still open to trying new and different things and who had a huge heart. I miss the colleague who understood that pets are family and with whom I could then share stories about my dog. I miss my office buddy with whom I bonded over a love of chocolate, a shared need to just vent some days, and with whom I always felt comfortable sharing when I was having a rough mental health day without any fear of judgment. And I missed my assigned mentor who helped keep my afloat when I was drowning and who supported not only content-support and task-support but emotional support. Really, I miss the solid support system that I had without even having to try.
Now, I know my year last year was extremely stressful, too. And some of the experiences that I had in the last weeks of the school year made a lot of my positive feelings about my old school come crashing down to a point that if they were to have an opening, I don't know that I'd feel comfortable going back at this point. So is this a case of "the grass is always greener"? Perhaps. Does my new school have things I do prefer? Definitely. For instance, given my personal background, I love that there exists an accelerated math track for students separate from students in regular classes in my new school. I also preferred the new teacher workshops and like actually having new teacher meetings on a periodic basis at my new school. And with a different website service, updating my website takes about a quarter of the time that it did at my old school. Even so, I'm unhappy where I am. Despite my high stress levels last year, I never felt the need to pack up my classroom and leave (which I've felt on numerous occasions in the last two months). So I've got to start wondering, is this really the right fit for me? Though I don't see going back to my old school, I also figure that there has to be another school that fits that environment more closely than the one where I am right now.
But where do I go from here? I feel trapped. I don't feel like another school will want to hire me if I've only ever stayed at a school for one year. And I don't know that I can handle another year in a new school, with a new curriculum, and having to move to another new apartment (I'm still working on unpacking boxes in my current one). But I also don't know if I'm really going to settle into a school where, halfway through the school year, I have no emotional support system and where I'm not sure I quite align with the educational philosophy.
I'm not really sure where I'll go from here. But at least I'm starting to figure out why I feel as miserable as I do where I'm at now.
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