Where do I go from here?

When I took a 1-year long-term sub position, I knew I was taking a risk. But I never thought about how painful it might be. When I first learned that there would be two positions open in my department, I was ecstatic. Until reality set in: the reality that applying for a permanent position rather than a long-term sub position means competing again much more experienced teachers; the reality that I work in a school that has, historically, hired the top candidate, not the familiar one; the reality that the teachers on the interview team aren't the ones who have in recent months expressed great desire for me to return; the reality that one crappy pop-in observation means that an administrator who used to think I was a great teacher now thinks that my classroom management skills aren't any good. (You know what's not a good time for a bad observation? When you're trying to compete for a job.)
On top of it, I'm exhausted. I'm weeks behind on grading. I had to front-load a lot of my final prep because in one course, half of my students are released for the rest of the school year to work on special projects and in my other course, I wanted my students to do a teaching review (meaning I had to get them tons of review materials a week ago to give them time to prepare the review sessions that started today). I have parents, counselors, and special ed teachers to contact about students who are in danger of failing. And because my future at school is uncertain due to my long-term sub status, I'm attempting to squeeze in some time to apply elsewhere, but I'm so focused on trying to get work done for my current job that I can't manage to find time to take care of my own future. And already working in a school where I'm also competing to have a job next year means that I feel like I'm constantly in the spotlight and any misstep could cost me the opportunity to work there again next year. The only reason I'm managing to get even 4 hours of sleep a night is due to me falling asleep while trying to complete work. And on top of it all, I just completed week 5 of my 6-week wait since last seeing my counselor due to circumstances beyond my control in a 5-week time span that I could have used a counseling appointment about once a week. The pressure, stress, workload, lack of sleep, and uncertainty about my future have left me drowning. All I can think about is finding some way to survive.
And I'm starting to wonder if I should actually be a teacher. Up until this year, it was always a question of what type of teacher I should be - math or music. People always ask me all the time which one I like better; quite frankly, my response is entirely dependent on who I'm talking to. To the music people, I always answer "music" without skipping a beat; that's where my greater passion and joy lie. To the math people, I say that I enjoy both for fear of losing the opportunity of actually having a job with the many more music positions than math positions that are available. The truth? I think I'm more cut out to be a math teacher - I fit the mold better. But I love teaching a lot more when I'm teaching music. There are more math jobs out there, and it doesn't always require networking to get one. Music jobs are few, and you have to network to get one. I stink at networking with music people; reason 1: my social anxiety and introversion make it difficult for me to randomly introduce myself to random people at conventions, and I didn't have the advantage that many of my peers did of having a high school music teacher who took me under their wing and introduced me to all sorts of people; reason 2: I kind of rebel against the music mold (though my philosophy of teaching music does tend to align more with the teachers I've worked with than it does my peers, the majority of whom are music snobs who refuse to recognize even Broadway musicals as real music). So I feel like I should just give up on my dream of teaching music and resign myself to teaching math. I still enjoy the teaching aspect, but I forsee burning out. Initially, I thought I'd burn out in 3-5 years. I never thought it would be 1. I just can't take the pressure.
Plenty of people have told me I'm a great teacher. But none of them are the people whose opinions matter at the moment (and I should clarify that by "matter" I mean "determine my future"). I've had plenty of family and adults who are friends tell me that I'm a great teacher, but few of them have ever worked in schools, much less been teachers, themselves. I've had some education major peers tell me that they'd want me to be their kids' teacher (one of the greatest compliments a teacher ever bestows on another teacher), but who are we to know anything as young teachers anyway? In recent weeks I've had some of my most critical students tell me that I'm a great teacher (to the point that one who didn't like me when the year started was trying to convince me to teach the math class that she's taking next year so that she can have me again), but I'm pretty sure that the powers that be aren't taking student opinion into consideration. I've had mentors and supervisors through the teacher training process and even colleagues now who tell me that I'm a fantastic teacher, but none of them have the power to make the final decision now. The people making the decision include an administrator who I think has lost faith in me due to a non-stellar observation last week, a teacher in my department who I barely know, a teacher in my department who is super analytical and critical of everything and everyone, and a teacher who I may have made the mistake of sharing my every weakness with this year because they felt like someone safe to confide in.
On top of it all, I feel isolated. All year, I've reached out to my department for help, but as long as I'm competing for a job, I feel uncomfortable (though I'll feel even more uncomfortable if I don't get re-hired). I don't know how to reach out to my new teacher peers because, even though according to more experience teachers the first year (or few years) of suck, I seem to be the only person I know who's in their first year of teaching and feels that way. And I don't know how to reach out to the teachers that have been mentors to me over the years because I'm so afraid of them finding me to be a bother and a burden. And reaching out to anyone who isn't a teacher doesn't help at all because no one understands what it's like to work in the educational system unless they've been in it themselves.
Here's the deal: I love my kids. I love getting to work with them day in and day out. Even though they sometimes drive me crazy, they are fabulous people, and I love the time that I get to spend with them. Students are what make teaching worthwhile. And if my job consisted of the time I spend with my kids and the work I do planning and grading, I would be fine. But my job requires so much more than that. And as someone with increasingly out-of-control social anxiety, I feel constantly watched and criticized by all of the adults I work with, be they teachers, administrators, support staff, counselors, parents. etc. I feel like everyone around me is watching me and judging me constantly, and that even the tiniest misstep will cost me my livelihood.
All I've wanted to do for the last decade is be a teacher. Before that, I wanted to be a veterinarian; but seeing as I can't handle fictional dogs getting hurt without bawling, I don't think I could handle the emotional toll of working with animals who were sick, injured, or dying. I once considered being a youth director, but my stomach still turns when I think about all of the unethical things that happen behind closed doors at churches; my faith can't withstand working at a church. And I've considered becoming a writer, but I don't think I can take the rejection of publishers and editors any better than I can take the pressure of teaching.
I love my kids. I love working with kids. They're refreshing and hopeful. They bring more joy to my life than I can ever imagine being able to give them in return.
But I'm cracking under pressure. I'm drowning in obligations. I'm in pure survival mode going into the last two weeks of the school year. And when it's all I can do to stay afloat just enough to gasp for breath every once in a while, people are still telling me that I'm not good enough and I need to improve by the end of the school year. And for every person who tells me that I don't have to be a super-teacher, there's another person asking me to do more and do it faster. And some days I just want to scream back that I have no life outside of school, no time to do what I want to do, I'm getting under 4 hours of sleep most nights, what the heck more do you want from me? I'm only human. And on those days, I just want to quit.
But I don't want to be anything else but a teacher. So even when I want to quit, I'm left with the question: Where would I go from here?

On a side note: If you had "Where Do We Go From Here" from "Once More with Feeling" running through your head at any point in this blog post, we should probably become best friends.