I wrote a post over a year ago entitled "Why I'm So Passive." I ran across it recently as I was just browsing through my previous blog posts. But I didn't realize just how relevant it would become again at this point. I mean, I'm still as passive as ever. But I didn't think that I was quite this bad anymore.
On the bright side, I'm not quite as passive in the workplace. In my student teaching experiences, I learned that it's okay to say "no" in the workplace sometimes - and I've even been lucky enough to work with colleagues who won't let me take on extra work to keep me from working too hard. I even learned how to handle constructive criticism as it pertains to my teaching. I still avoided getting into conversations that would lead to conflict. But I thought that perhaps I was taking steps forward.
I mean, I still have a lot of work to do. I still allow most of my friends to walk all over me for fear of conflict. I struggle to share my own desires or even needs with friends. It's that social anxiety again. But I've started to open up about my opinions and frustrations again. I mean, when I don't have solid arguments on something, I won't step into a discussion - which is why I don't generally join in on discussions regarding political topics, or even post much on my favorite Buffy forum which is the most respectful, level-headed forum I've ever seen on the internet. But if it's something I feel strongly enough about, I've started to be willing to speak up again. Because everyone's always told me that the healthy thing to do is to state what I'm thinking and stand up for what I believe in. So I chalked up the previous lost friends, allies, and self-confidence to bad choice of friends and social anxiety. And I spoke my mind. And though frustration may have been the cause, I put in every effort to be as objective (though direct) as possible. And what happened? It blew up in my face. Again.
So why am I supposed to be assertive? It's not even two steps forward and one step back. I feel like I'm back at square one. Or even further behind it. Because just as I dared to widen my circle of trust, I have had to restrict it further than ever before. Just as I dared to speak up again, I not only lost my will to speak but was told that it would be better for me to not speak up at all. For the first time I don't feel like I'm a horrible person, but for the first time I feel even more inclined to become an invisible presence wherever I am. What's the point of being something other than passive? Because being anything other than passive blows up in my face.
