Crumbling Under Pressure

I've never been able to handle pressure from other people well. And it took me until recent years to realize that it's because I put so much pressure on myself, I can't take any more from outside sources. I'm a perfectionist. I'm super-self critical. And, overall, I just put more pressure on myself than I need from both myself and the rest of the world combined. So when there's pressure coming at me from all directions, inside and out, I crack under it. I'm more resilient than I used to be, but with everything that's built up over the past month or so, I've cracked. I mean, there have been all sorts of little cracks over the last couple of weeks. But today, I think I crumbled. But when there are such massive amounts of pressure coming from every side, what else am I supposed to do?
About a month ago, I finished my second student teaching experience. At that time, I had completed all my college degree requirements and realized that, while unofficially, I had to in a way enter the real world. This means entering the job search process that I think I've been dreading for most of my college career. I'm not even worried about life once I have a job - it's the finding a job process that is daunting and often unbearable to even think about. Unfortunately, it's also about the only thing I do think about. And that's simply of my own accord. I was overwhelmed on my own. Then the pressure from everyone else came crashing in. I know that they're all well-meaning, and they try to be encouraging and supportive. But every time someone asks me about how the application process is going, I feel more pressure to find a job. And the questions come on at least a daily basis. The thing is, the more people ask about it, the stress of the pressure takes over more of my motivation's territory until all I want to do anymore is crawl into a hole and let the world pass on around me - because that seems to be the only way to escape from all the pressure.
In addition, I think every conversation I have that's not with my family includes the question: "Are you excited to graduate?" or some variant thereof. I put on the fake smile and say that I am, but the truth is that I'm really not. Maybe if I were still sitting through classes or still student teaching, I'd be more excited. But because I have nothing left to complete to receive my degree, I already have a foot in the real world. And I am terrified. Totally and completely terrified. And the more times I put on the act that I just can't wait to be done with school, because that's how I'm expected to act, the more I feel the pressure of the real world closing in. And even the pressure to be normal and be excited to be done with school is getting to me. I mean, I think my reasons are rational, but feeling like an outlier comes with a pressure all its own.
As the pressure of finding my first post-college job isn't enough, there's plenty of other pressure too. This weekend I'm working on a youth retreat with an organization that I was involved with in high school. Being able to be involved in that ministry again was one of my top perks of student teaching near home this semester. I never expected it to be the same way as it was when I was in high school, but I did expect it to be at least kind of like when I was student teaching. I'm technically in the in-between age group, 4 years past being a youth and 2 months shy of being an adult, which still put me somewhere in between high school student and real adult. That I'm used to. And I love working with high schoolers - they're fantastic. Plus I'm on music team, where I feel my biggest strengths lie. I knew it would be rough transitioning back in, but I didn't realize that would be one of the smallest challenges I've faced. First of all, the age vs. appearance thing keeps throwing everyone off and seems like a huge barrier to having conversations with people much less beginning to build relationships with them. The adults think that I'm one of the youth, so they don't even approach me. The youth approach me, but when they find out that I'm significantly older than they are, they fall into shock and all communication breaks down from there. I like working with people because I like to build relationships with them; since not even basic communication has been really working, the experience has been kind of a let-down. Not that it's all about me. But I've never felt so alone on any kind of team, and if I'm alone in the midst of a team, what's my purpose in even being there?
To add to the pressure of finding my fit in the group, I have the pressure of being the kind of leader and having the kind of personality that society expects. Society wants the loud, outgoing, attention-drawing person. I am quiet, shy, observe from the outside before jumping in, and don't feel the need to always be the center of attention. It's been indirectly made very clear to me that who I am and how I lead won't cut it. To be a good-enough leader, I have to be someone different. And on a very basic level, this has hurt me deeply. But I also know that I'm able to step out of my box - I do it all the time as a teacher. But I have the power in a classroom environment. In this retreat environment, I don't, and it's not worth the pain of fighting the power of others to get it for myself. And for a while I was okay with this, until other people started expected me to fight for the power. They have full confidence that I can step up and be the leader expected. And the pressure crashes in again. So there's pressure from the faction who think I'm not good enough and expect me to fix myself. There's pressure from the faction who think I'm good enough and expect me to simply step up. And then there's still that whole faction who still can't seem to figure out how to acknowledge my existence because I don't fit into their perfect age categories. Great.
So going into this weekend, I'm crumbling under the pressure of trying to find a job, which is already more than I can handle right now. It's simply exhausted me. I don't any more energy to go attempt to face the pressure to go be around people who have additional expectations of who I have to be this weekend. All I want to do is fade into the background. All I have the ability to do right now is hang in the background. But thanks to everyone else's pressure, I now am putting tons of pressure on myself to be what everyone expects me to be the first time out. Because the last time I passed into adulthood in a ministry organization, I didn't have the personality that society expected a leader to have, and it screwed me over for the rest of the time I was there. So if I'm not perfect this time, I feel like I can basically kiss any future leadership in the organization goodbye. In addition, I get to look forward to an already exhausted introverted me spending 3 full days surrounded by people with no recharge alone time plus a schedule that allows for nowhere near enough sleep.
And I feel like I have nowhere to turn. Because everyone I talk to jumps into "find a solution mode." I get no understanding, no listening ear, just unsolicited advice. And you know what comes with advice? More pressure. Pressure to do what everyone else wants me to do, be who everyone else needs to be. And then I put more pressure on myself because I know that their advice is right. But to take advice is also to face the pressure that I can't handle anymore. I'm already crumbling under pressure and feel like I'm about to be crushed completely.

What I really need sometimes is someone to stand next to me and say "I've been there. And it sucks." Not sympathy, not encouragement, not advice. Just simple understanding. Because then I wouldn't feel like I'm the only one who's ever crumbled under pressure.