Think of this as an afterthought to my previous post. Because I'm frustrated and flat out angry. Because, looking back, the way my mental health issues were dealt with shouldn't have happened that way. My depression could have been diagnosed by age 16. My social anxiety could have been diagnosed by the time I was in 3rd grade. The general anxiety alone didn't rear its ugly head until I was in college, but at least someone saw all the warning signs more than a year before, but only after she had dealt with the same. My mom was the only one who ever saw the other two. But she shouldn't have been.
I cried through at least one class at least twice a week all the way through my sophomore year. And no one seemed to notice. Only once did I have a teacher talk to me about it and then excuse me to the bathroom. Sure you could try to pinpoint situational reasons behind it, but I think that was the beginning of depression. With as much time as I spent at school each day, you'd think that one of my teachers could have noticed warning signs. But I wasn't suicidal. And my grades remained high. I had friends. In my teacher education courses, I've never been taught to look for anything else. But that doesn't mean that it's right.
I remember the first time my classmates teased me for being less than perfect, and I get sick to my stomach. I remember teachers reprimanding me for little things, an I get sick to my stomach. I remember confrontations with people, and I get sick to my stomach. I learned avoidance at a young age. I rarely raise my hand in class for fear of being wrong, though I commonly had the right answer. It took taking a public speaking class to diminish my fear of public speaking, though the fear comes back when someone whose opinion I deem important is in the room. I fear conflict to the point of feeling physically sick when I even think it might be coming. I rarely participate in discussions, formally or informally, because when people disagree with me, I fear I may lose their approval. I've spent the last 7 years in courses that grade partially based on participation, and my desire to achieve is overcome by fear of how people will see me if I don't answer the way they think I should. It's not that I'm just shy, and it's not that I lack a desire to participate. It's that I'm afraid. I'm anxious. I learned avoidance as a coping mechanism for such things by the time I was 10. I wasn't diagnosed with social anxiety until I was 21 and a half. It's hard to unlearn habits that I've had for over half my lifetime. Not to mention the lack of time my responsibilities in college allow for such things. Given, I think that the concept of social anxiety is still new in and of itself. But didn't anyone ever wonder why such a high achiever was willing to put forward 110% for every part of a class except participation? I just feel like someone should have been able to see it. Someone should have wondered if there was something more going on there. But nothing.
Part of the problem is: I have functioned very well for a person with mental health issues. The lowest report card marking I've ever gotten was a B+. I've rarely missed school/class because of my mental health issues. I've been involved in numerous extracurricular activities. I have friends. So most of the warning signs that people are taught to watch for simply aren't there. But that doesn't mean that I live my days without struggling. Most every day I struggle with something related to my mental health. So who would ever notice?
My experience can't be unwritten. What's done is done, and I'm working through my own struggles the best that I can right now. But that doesn't mean that it should happen to someone else. The problem is: little has changed since my time growing up. People are still uninformed. People are still unwilling to talk about the uncomfortable. Teacher education programs still cover little more about mental health than a high school health class. Nothing has changed. But it needs to.
Mental health issues, even among the most functional people, reduce quality of life. Because of social anxiety, I've dropped out of and/or avoided activities I was interested in, sat alone at meals because I didn't know if people I was kind of friends with actually wanted me to join them, procrastinated making contact with schools and teachers for every clinical experience I've had in my teacher education program, rarely stated my true opinion when talking even with my friends, rarely asked for help when I needed it, received lower grades than my potential allows for for avoidance of participating, etc. These are all normal parts of life that most people have little problem with. But I do. It's something that I have to work through now, but I wish I had worked through when it first became a problem over a decade ago. That doesn't mean someone else ever needs to face the same thing.
So maybe I'll start by posting a link to this on Facebook. Or posting links about mental health issues on Facebook. Someday when I'm working in a school, I hope to bring in a mental health in-service program for school professionals put on by the National Alliance for Mental Illness. Maybe if I decide to get my doctorate and become an education professor at a college, I can work to bring mental health awareness into the teacher education system. But mostly, I'm going to watch for students like me because more than I don't want to see people have to walk the same road that I have, I don't ever want it to happen on my watch.
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