I've been a passive person for as long as I can remember. I fear conflict. It makes me feel horrible. For years. I still feel physically sick when I think about small conflicts that happened when I was 3 years old, much less all the big ones that have happened since then.
And I'm told that it's not good to be passive. I guess I know I get walked all over all the time. And in the aftermath, I sometimes get frustrated. But it's better than the alternative.
The alternative is speaking my mind. Saying what I'm actually thinking. There are a small group of people that I feel comfortable doing that with. Because they don't judge me for what I'm saying. And if they think it's really dumb, they tell me nicely. Or they point out that I'm really crabby, but in a nice way.
Funny thing, I rarely ever speak my mind around most unless I'm really crabby. I think that, to an extent, crabbiness makes me lose all speaking inhibitions. So maybe that's why it bites me in the butt? But I can't even say that. Because on numerous occasions over the past couple of years, I've spoken my mind and lost friends over it. There are numerous people that I'm no longer friends with because I spoke up about what I thought. I spoke up about being worried about people. I spoke up about my own needs. I spoke up about what I really thought. And it backfired in huge ways.
The past three days I've woken up feeling horrible emotionally. Those low days that come with having depression. And it's been a stressful week. And things have happened early on in those days to make my already-depressed self feel worse. And I've expressed how I felt about things that happened. And was then belittled for feeling the way I felt. And it sent me imploding. It makes me feel worthless. Because, as I recently realized, my self-worth is entirely dependent on other people's opinions of me. I've finally learned to lean on other friends to help pull me out of a down-spiral as it begins. But even with friends to pull me out again, I don't feel any more encouraged to actually speak my mind. Because every time I speak my mind to anyone outside a select group of people, I am told that I won't be successful following my goals, that I'm worthless, or that I'm a horrible person for feeling the way I feel.
There are times that I want to be assertive. And then days like the last three days happen. And then I realize that either way I feel crappy, so I may as well be passive and feel less crappy than I do when I'm assertive.
You WILL be successful in your goals, you are ABSOLUTELY NOT worthless, and you are NOT a horrible person! It is important that you remember that you are also very important and that if others try to belittle that you should ignore them. If you forget to take care of yourself that's probably worse than not caring enough for others. How can we love others if we do not first love ourselves?
ReplyDeleteYou WILL achieve your goals, you are ABSOLUTELY NOT worthless, and you are NOT a horrible person!
ReplyDeleteWhen people try to belittle you, you should ignore them because obviously their opinions do not matter. It is important for your to be able to be honest about what you think and how you feel. And you should remember that sometimes YOU are more important than others. You must first love and care for yourself before you can do the same for others. The best way to BREW is to take care of YOU! :)