Everything hurts. Emotionally, at least. Absolutely everything. There are days that I can suppress it enough to be stable. Moments, occasionally minutes and hours, that I'm actually happy. But not very often. Happiness that lasts more than a moment appears only a handful of times each month. The rest of the time? It just hurts.
It hurts that no one seems to quite fully accept my double major. My friends don't. My adviser doesn't. My professors don't. Heck, I'm not even sure my parents fully understand it at this point. I used to be on the fence between math and music. But I've really come to discover that my passion lies in music. My heart lies in music. And all I want is to direct a choir of my own. Because the only times when I've really been happy this semester are when I've been in choir. Especially the days I got to conduct. I beamed. I loved practicing conducting. And I loved being up in front of a choir helping them to make music. Most of the world doesn't understand that, though. Most of the time when I state both of my majors, people only pay attention to the math part. Because the world needs more math teachers, especially female math teachers. I'll be sure to find a job. But my heart isn't in it anymore. My heart is in music. Yet, I feel like music people look down on me for the double major. That they think I've already given up on music or that I'm not dedicated enough to music because I have the second major. So, in essence, they pay more attention to the math part too. Only a handful of people fully recognize the music part.
It hurts feeling like a failure all the time. I feel like a failure at music education. Because I have the math ed degree. Because I'm nowhere near as good a conductor as my peers. Because I'm not as involved in ACDA as I should be. Because I'm not outgoing enough. Because I don't spend all my time in the music building. Because I don't fit in with the music ed majors. Much less the non-ed music majors. I feel like a failure at math education. Because I'm not passionate enough. Because my math ed professor consistently makes it clear to the class that we'll never be good enough for him. Because my focus has been on music ed for the last 3.5 years. I feel like a failure as a person. Because I care more about myself than anyone else right now. Because I can't just fake being happy all the time. Much less fake being happy. Because my peers rarely express that they believe in me. Or even notice my existence.
It hurts feeling like no matter hard I try, I will never have a group of friends at Concordia. I tried to have music friends. I still have one or two really good ones. But I don't fit in. I'm almost never invited to be a part of things. I'm rarely acknowledge when I invite myself along. I know I distanced myself after Garrett. And I've been working my butt off lately to try to find a way in. But to no avail. It's like I'm not a good enough music person to be a part of the group. Because have different musical opinions than what I should in a huge variety of ways. Or maybe it's just that I don't like to drink enough. Either way, I'll never fit in. I've tried having math friends. It almost works, sometimes. But I don't understand half the humor that happens. And I'm not philosophical enough to participate in conversation. And sometimes when I try to participate, they turn their noses up at me. I have a few good math friends. Who don't make my brain hurt. Who accept me for me. Who make an effort to include me. And they're some of the truest friends I have here. But when things include the larger group, I no longer fit in. And then, for the only time in my life, I feel like the naive, dumb blond. I'm not going to have much for any friends next year. Sure, I have a few underclassmen that I can spend some time with. But I still don't fit in with their larger group. And they aren't integral parts of my support system. It hurts feeling like all I have is the handful of people that make up my support system and a couple of other shallower friends. But it's going to hurt more next year when the support system is gone and I'm all alone.
It hurts that the love and encouragement I receive from friends and family at home has come to mean nothing. It's like I've heard it so many times that I've become immune to it. And having friends and family at home doesn't change the fact that I feel like I have no one at Concordia. So on nights like tonight when I just need to cling to someone and cry and say everything that's been on my mind for months, I find myself alone. Because I need the physical presence. But having someone from home come here would only make matters worse. Because it would only widen the gap between me and the people at Concordia that I so desperately want to have as friends. Real friends.
It hurts that I don't know how to talk to my parents anymore. Because it generally only makes me feel worse. Because it's generally either a lecture or pure worry. And I can't handle either.
It hurts that I've lost my faith. That I can't step into any church or see even a Bible verse in passing without bursting into tears. That the one thing that's supposed to bring comfort only makes me hurt more. That I don't even know why it hurts so much.
It hurts feeling like I can't openly express my hurt. Because I stopped having friends about the time that I started crying through classes and vocalizing how crappy I always felt. Because no one wants to be around someone who can't at least pretend to be happy all the time. So on nights that I feel depressed and really just need to be able to talk things out, I'm just alone. And I curl into a ball and cling to myself. Because that's the only thing I know how to cling to. It's no wonder that I've begun to have panic attacks about not being able to maintain my composure around people. There are a few that I can just let everything out with. But even when those people are there but other people are around too, I have a panic attack.
It hurts. Friends hurt. School hurts. Life hurts. And I don't even have time to deal with it. To figure out why it hurts. To fix it so it doesn't hurt anymore. Because I don't know how to express my hurt. To my friends. To my professors. To anyone. So I just have to keep going in life and attempt to deal with the hurt or ignore it. Which is probably why I have nights like tonight. Where it hurts so bad that I can't stand it anymore. Where I just sob until I can't anymore. Where I try to find something to cling to and find nothing. Because I don't have the time to deal with anything. I used to wish I could run away from the world and hide from both it and my problems. These days I wish I could run away from the world so I could take the time to work out my problems. But no one will let me do that. And I can't handle it all at once. So I fall apart. I self-destruct. I stop caring about the basic things. Like eating. Like sleeping. Like hygiene. Because as long as I feel awful emotionally, I may as well feel awful physically. People actually take notice of that.
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