An Outsider Looking In

I've had a couple of really awful weeks mentally and emotionally. During this time I've come to a few realizations.

1. I still can't handle being in the same room with Garrett. I don't know why. But I can't. I get super depressed. And then I have a panic attack. Fun stuff.

2. That fear of being in large groups of people part of social anxiety? Finally getting to me. I used to be able to sit through a class in tears. I can't anymore. I've had too many panic attacks in the last two weeks. All of which were at least partially caused by me freaking out about not being able to pull myself together around people. I mean, I can handle it around my parents and around a select group of friends. But anyone else? Panic. And then the attacks get worse the more people I'm around. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have a panic attack and can't remove myself from being around a large group of people.

3. I'm no longer afraid of teaching in my own music classroom. I'm afraid of socializing with my colleagues. Of that networking that's so important to music education. Because otherwise you're entirely alone. Well guess what? I am alone. I have tried for the last two years to make friends with other music majors. And I still don't feel part of the group most days. The other night I went to an ACDA election meeting. And I was the only person there who isn't graduating who was never even nominated for a position. The exact same thing happened to me last year. And the year before. Sure, sophomore year I had a position on the ACDA board. but it was a pity position. A "We have 4 positions open and 5 people showed up to elections, and we don't want you to be the only person who showed up who doesn't wind up on the board, so we're going to invent a position for you to have." position. That, honestly, I didn't really want. I wasn't ready for it. Hence I basically failed at it the entire second half of that year. I don't even know if I would have wanted a position after that point. But being the only person who doesn't get nominated, that hurts. It's a blow to my already-shallow confidence as a music education major. And it only adds to the reasons that I feel like I don't have friends among music majors.

4. I feel like I don't fit in among my music friends. I have one good friend. But that's it. I am entirely convinced that my presence is only tolerated because I have that one friend, and everyone loves that person. When I am around them, I'm just simply there. I can rarely find anything to add to the conversation, am often received negatively when I do speak up, and am rarely brought into the conversation when I've been sitting in silence. I'm almost never invited to do things with the group. And usually when I am it's a pity invite when people have been planning something for a long time and feel bad that I'm sitting there with them talking about it and was never invited. And I'm still trying to figure out what feels worse: the days that happens and I get the pity invite or the days that happens and I'm still not invited. Though it kind of depends on who the pity invite comes from.

5. I am entirely fed with not fitting in. It's the story of my life. Throughout the last 5 years of elementary school, I didn't have friends. I never fit in with most of the people in my classes in junior high. High school I had some good friends, but still never found that place where I fit. Especially in choir. I had maybe a handful of real friends in choir in my entire high school choir experience. And after almost four years of college, I still don't know where I fit. freshman year, I didn't necessarily make an effort to make a lot of friends. I wish I could go back to those days. Sophomore year I fell into a group of friends associated with new roommates. The group blew up, and I found myself in between two factions. I spent more time with one, and realized that I didn't quite fit there. Though I at least have three others from that group (we called ourselves a tetris piece) is the closest thing I have to a group of friends at this point. They still generally make an effort to invite me to spend time with them, at least. They're the only ones who do that on a consistent basis. But sophomore year, when things got tense with them and people in the larger faction of the group, I discovered music people on choir tour. So I started hanging out with them. And hung out with them the first half of last year. And then I fought with Garrett, had to distance myself from him, and as a result distanced myself from all my music friends because they were all still friends with him. I have yet to find a group that I fit in with since then. Because once you distance yourself from people, there's no going back. Or maybe I never really fit in at all. And yet, for some stupid reason, I keep trying. I try to convince myself that it's all in my head. That I do fit. That people do actually care. And I try to bring myself back into the group. To make an effort. Only to feel like an outsider looking in even when I'm on the inside. Over the past few days I've purposely separated myself. Because at least I can delude myself into believing that being an outsider looking in is my own choice. Or maybe because it just lets me run away from the fact that when I'm on the inside is when I feel hurt and when I have panic attacks. At least when I avoid I can function enough to be barely social and to do things like homework.

6. I'm actually still really mad at people for how little support I got last year with all I went through. Depression that's not stabilized? It sucks. When I don't have a support system where I need it most? It sucks worse. Because I can cry through entire class periods and I can completely withdraw from everything. And people don't take notice and/or don't take action until either they see me have a panic attack or until they think I'm suicidal. But when I've reached those points? Well, the panic attacks it depends. Though, in recent days and weeks, when I've had panic attacks because I can't pull it together? I think that's a result of all the times I wasn't able to pull it together in front of people, and they said nothing. And the fact that people have made little to no effort to invite me to spend time with them since all of my super depressed days last year. If I can't pretend to be happy around people, then I have no friends. So when I'm failing horribly at pretending to be happy around people, I panic. Only with music people, though. Imagine that. And the times I've been heading toward that suicidal road? Generally because I feel like the people around me don't care anymore. And the few friends I have at school aren't enough.
And I'm still really mad about the entire Garrett situation. I still hate him. First time I've said it that way in a long time. But I still really, really do. And I think I'm still mad at all of our mutual friends for never once admitting that I could be at least partly right. For never making an effort to pull me back in when I withdrew from them. Or even ask me why. Actually, I feel like no one even noticed. Which only adds to the fact that I feel that they were never actually my friends in the first place. And I keep trying to tell myself that I'm mad at Garrett and not mad at them. Because it's so much easier to be mad at him. But I think it's only ended up with me bottling everything up. And leaving me depressed and having panic attacks at 4am on a Sunday morning. With nowhere to turn. Because support from home doesn't help anymore. And I don't even know where to try getting support at school.

I just want to know what's wrong with me. In two years of counseling, I still don't think I've managed to figure out what the root problem is. Given, the more problems I find with myself, the less adequate I feel, so I don't even know if that would help. All I know is that I want to feel loved and accepted for who I am. And I want to feel truly part of a group. And I never really have. Every group I've ever been a part of, I've always felt like an outsider looking in to some degree. And I'm sick of it. I can't handle it anymore. But I don't know how to fix it.
And it doesn't help that I gave up on myself a long time ago. I really did. Because finding the problems makes me feel worse. And my motivation to deal with problems disappeared a long time ago. Long before I lost to motivation to do homework or eat or sleep or shower. But I've never told anyone that. Because I'm afraid if they knew, then they'd give up on me too. And then it would really be over.
But for now I'm going to attempt to sleep. And attempt to be okay when I get up. And attempt to make it through the day. And then we'll see if I'm in a stable enough mental state to start clinicals on Monday morning. Because every time I've been around large groups of people in the last three days, I either burst into tears or have a panic attack. So I don't know if I'll manage to handle clinicals on Monday. Not that I know what I'm going to do if I'm not. I guess I'll figure that out if/when it happens. And hope that my counseling appointment on Monday after clinicals does me a world of good.