So, I haven't posted in a long time. I've thought about it numerous times. And then I get scared and don't. Which is funny because I started this blog so that I could write somewhere where I wouldn't be scared. But I guess a few conversations made me feel as awful about writing anywhere where anyone could see again, so I stopped. But tonight I need it.
For whatever reason, Sundays are my worst day of the week. It's on Sundays that I feel most overwhelmed and just want to close myself off to the world. It doesn't help that every Sunday I wake up physically feeling like crap. My entire body hurts and I have a headache that lasts all day. And I don't know why. I don't do anything special on Saturday. I stay up just as late and generally actually manage to get the recommended amount of sleep. But I wake up feeling like I have the flu. I just physically feel gross. Not a great way to start off any day.
I don't really go anywhere on Sundays. Not this semester, anyway. Partially because I feel like crap when I wake up, and, oftentimes, I attempt to sleep longer, hoping that I'll feel better after more sleep. No such luck.
And then the homework panic sets in because I don't generally do much homework until Sunday, especially homework that doesn't involve solving problems. Because I have zero motivation. For school work especially. But, heck, I don't really have the motivation to take care of myself at all. I don't really ever sleep enough. I mean, I can't convince myself that going to sleep at night is a good idea. At all. It works out well when I can sleep in the next morning. But when I have 8am class, I generally get really upset with myself in the morning. Heck, I have a hard time getting up early enough to go to my 10:30 counseling appointment on Mondays. Given, Sundays are usually my latest nights, which doesn't help.
Sundays. Sundays are my panic days. And it makes me just want to quit. Doesn't help that I'm not motivated. At all. Combined with the fact that I'm not particularly excited about most of my classes this semester. Geometry makes my brain hurt half the time because I have a hard time thinking geometrically in the first place. I'd rather go back to Modern Algebra, actually. And Math Senior Seminar is a complete joke. I hate it. And I hate both of my presentation topics. And my partner and I don't work well together. She's a really nice person, but we just don't mesh when it comes to being partnered to do a project. And she loves our topics, and I hate them. And I just don't want to put any effort into the class because it's awful. The structure of the class is awful. And it doesn't even serve the purpose that it's supposed to serve. And then there's Math Methods where I go to a class just to listen to a professor tell us all how we're all not good enough to be math teachers and make us feel like we'll never reach his standards. And, well, at least I actually like Comparative Ed. But so much of the work is research and reading and responding, and I'd much rather go to class and participate in a discussion than respond online. (May I mention that this is the first time I've ever said that about a class...) And the research part, well, when I don't have motivation to do anything in the short term, how do you think the long-term is going?
Every Sunday night I realize this. And I rediscover all the other responsibilities I have for the week beyond basic functioning and homework. And I want to quit it all. Especially with things like work and being on the choir board. I mean, how can I, or anyone else, expect me to take care of other people's needs when I can't even take care of my own. I said before, I can't find a way to convince myself that going to bed at a decent time is a good idea until I have to wake up to an alarm clock in the morning. I think I've retrained my body to deal with eating no where near enough food every day again because I don't feel like eating. It takes me being really hungry to find any desire to actually eat something, and even then, I generally have a hard time convincing myself that cooking something semi-substantial (like cereal or something that I just pop into the microwave) is a good idea. It was supposed to get better now that I use paper dishes, but it hasn't. The only thing I can generally convince myself to make is tea. And I'm starting to run out of mugs... I still haven't finished unpacking after moving back to school 3 weeks ago. And my room is slowly turning into a mess again. And then there's the whole personal hygiene issue.
During the week I have very little will to function, but force myself to function because I have to go to class. (Which I'm also losing the will to do). Sundays, well, I don't really function at all. If I don't absolutely have to leave my residence hall, I don't. I sleep in late. Stay up really, really late. Attempt to get homework done. Watch TV and/or movies when I lose the desire to do homework. Then stay up until between 3 and 4 am because all of these thoughts are running through my head.
Because, frankly, I've lost my will to function. In fact, I think I lost it sometime last semester. Just not quite this badly. But still. I just want to quit. Not that I don't want to live. Just that I don't want to be a functional member of society. Watch TV and movies, play games, write about stuff, maybe socialize on some occasion. Don't have to deal with classes or work. Don't have to deal with things like sleeping or eating unless I really want to. Just exist doing nothing productive.
That's what I feel like every Sunday night. Sometimes during the week too. But mostly on Sundays. By 2am on Monday at the latest.
And then I cry and don't know who to turn to. Because it's not socially acceptable to want to not function. And everyone I see on a consistent basis is sick of me saying that I'm not doing okay. Though I could point out that there the ones that ask but don't ever want to hear the truth. (It's my newest soapbox). I don't know where my niche is. I have good friends but no group of people who would notice a difference whether I was there or not. Not at school, anyway.
So on top of not desiring to function, I'm in the middle of a strange type of identity crisis and facing issues of not belonging that, quite frankly, I've dealt with since elementary school. Every Sunday night. What a way to start the week. And by this point on Sundays (Or, Mondays technically), I don't have the desire to start the week at all. And I finally hit this point where I want to just go to sleep and wake up when college is over. And, sudden realization, college is supposed to be the best time of your life. Well, I've had some good times in college, but in terms of my life so far, I think college has been the worst.
Yep, that's what my Sundays feel like. I don't know why it's Sundays. But it's every Sunday. It's starting to get old...
