What No One Knows

Everyone keeps telling me with this whole religion class thing that if I managed to get through the whole Garrett situation last spring, then I can get through this. But what no one knows is that by the second-to-last week of April, I had reached a point of being borderline suicidal - and stayed at about that point for three weeks.
All it took was one encounter with Garrett too many. The day that he needed someone to record him teaching, and I was the only one there to do it. I almost ran the van into a lamppost on the way home from clinicals that day. I'm still not entirely sure how I made it home safely. But the thought returned each time I went to drive for the following three weeks. That first week, the only thing that kept me going was knowing that I had students who were counting on me, at least in a way. I went to two different concerts that my students were in that week - and I had to be there. I needed to show them how much I cared about them - because I cared a lot. Still do care a lot, actually. Then the following week I didn't have a vehicle. And the final week I was at home - I remember throwing my keys at my dad once to keep myself from getting in the van to drive.
I finally wound up telling my mom tonight. Because I was sick of people telling me that if I made it through last spring, I can make it through this religion class issue. Because the last time I pressed through, by my own stubbornness by the way, I hit the suicidal point. If I press through when I don't have the will to go on as it is, and come to hit a suicidal point again this semester, I don't know what I'll have to hold on to during that crucial point. The only things I can think of are Prism and Christmas Concert. But I don't know if that's enough. It's certainly not the same as having students depending on me. Plus, none of my classes mean that much to me. And if I hadn't already payed for ACDA convention, I'd probably drop out of the trip at this point. And, let's face it, none of my friends on campus have really had time for me lately anyway - they're too busy with their own lives. In completely legitimate ways. So I've even felt generally guilty even thinking about trying to persuade them to spend time with me.
And so I'm left with nothing.