It took me until about 9pm to manage to finally focus on homework. It doesn't help that the only way I can manage to get any homework done is to have the TV or Netflix on to manage to get anything done. At least then when my mind wanders it wanders to whatever the story of the show is rather than to the religion class that's causing me so much anxiety. Every time I've even thought about doing the simple (okay, simple but bulky) reading homework, I've started to hyperventilate. If I think about anything beyond that, I start to shake. It kind of sucks. And by kind of I mean really, really sucks. But for whatever reason, I don't feel the need to face it head on. I just want to run away. It's too late to drop the course and take a different religion course in the spring. The drop deadline has passed and the religion classes that count are all full. Joy. Right now, more than anything, I just want someone to take my side, and fight for me strongly, in such a way that I'm allowed to completely avoid the course. To avoid the homework, avoid the final paper, avoid having to show up. Everything surrounding that class no longer feels safe. I don't know why, I just know what is. Like when I knew after breaking up with my boyfriend freshman year that I couldn't be friends with him right away. Like when I knew that being around Garrett didn't feel safe last year. I have no logic behind it. I just know what I feel, and know what my limits are. And my current feelings are that avoiding religion at all costs is the least of evils for my mental health right now. I just feel like I need someone who has power on my side.
Maybe that's part of my issue with this whole religion thing. I've done everything that I could do on my end. And I still feel powerless. And because I feel powerless in the big things, I feel powerless in the little things. Not what you'd think, but for whatever reason, that's how my mind is reacting right now.
Well, I suppose my professor kind of belittled me in the little things too. I was expressing that my complete breakdown in class yesterday was a result of a lot of things, including an overarching concept of working my butt off on different items of schoolwork and not getting the results that I feel like I should have been able to get based on the work I put into it. He told me I should get help with my study skills. He told me to quit things that I love doing in order to make time for everything that has to get done. His first thought - drop choir. Which is required for my music ed major. I would also add that singing and watching Netflix and movies over the past 36 hours are the only things that have allowed me to feel not horrible.
My mind keeps going back to my Physics class senior year of high school the day I was back at school after November TEC. I had been working my butt off for the preceding week to attempt to balance getting done all sorts of end-of-trimester school assignments with TEC. I had gotten low sleep every night. And in the end, a Physics reading/notetaking assignment was the thing I dropped in order to get at least some sleep. It wasn't even due that day - it was just supposed to make class that day and a following assignment easier in the long run. Well, my teacher checked everyone's to see if it was done. I tried to do the honest, responsible thing and just say that it wasn't done. It didn't come off the right way, and my teacher snapped at me. I lost it. During the class activity of the day, he pulled me outside to apologize, but the damage was already done. He was the straw that broke the camel's back. And after working my butt off for a week, I still didn't manage to get the results I had wanted to get. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about that Physics class period. And as I've thought about religion the past 36 hours, flashes of that day senior year keep running through my head. But I was okay going back to that class. But there were a lot more contributing factors to that situation. And a part of me still feels like that event had to do more with depression than anxiety. My current religion class situation is entirely anxiety. And while I was having a bad day in all my classes, I don't know that I'd feel much different now if my math classes had gone well yesterday. I had felt pretty worthless before my religion professor talked with me - I felt super worthless afterwards. Like I'm not good enough. So why should I bother to keep trying. Except for that pesky perfectionist that also lives inside my head.
I don't know how to deal with anxiety about academics. I've never experienced it before. Any academic-related anxiety in the past has been very clearly caused by the class instructor. Never before have I felt like the conflict with the class and the conflict with the instructor were so intertwined.
And the harder part is that when I dealt with this severe of anxiety last year, I used schoolwork to get me through. And that's not an option now. At least, it's only option to a point. Now, when I find myself out of non-religion homework that needs to be done for tomorrow, I feel stuck. I don't know what to do next. The perfectionist within me doesn't want to let me miss one assignment. But my mental limits say that I should just stop here. So I'm stuck. And at half past midnight, I still have 125 pages of religion reading that are supposed to be done for tomorrow. But I'm still stuck.
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