Failure

When I woke up this morning, I realized that it's been a long time since I've had a cry day. Which was surprising given how tired and stressed I've been. I guess I jinxed myself.
I went into the day knowing that a take-home test for one of my math classes hadn't gone well. The failing problem had received a lot of attention, and got nowhere. I had to give up. I have too much on my plate. Then I got a test from my other math class back. After being at the top of my class for the two previous classes, I was just average. I didn't feel great about that.
About a month ago, I had to write an outline for my final religion paper. Not sure what to pick as a topic, I talked with my professor, and he gave me three options. He only remembers giving me two. Guess which one of the three I picked?
I've already put a lot of work into the paper. Unlike most of my peers, I pulled together as many sources as possible, read all the articles, and compiled/sorted all my notes before creating my outline. My paper was practically written for me at that point. Then, in hopes of actually having a break for Thanksgiving break, I started the paper last weekend. Only to find out today that my professor doesn't approve of my paper topic or my sources.  And, after he told us that he graded our outlines based on how much work he thought we put into it, I got a low grade on it. After all the effort I put into pulling things together in order to write the outline. I guess that was straw that broke the camel's back.
I cried through the entire 70-minute class. It was the first time this school year. And I felt awful about it. I thought through my other options, and was semi-okay with the option that I had chosen in my head. But I was still frustrated. After all that work, I had to do more. And, more of an issue, my sources were considered too broad - and I'd looked everywhere possible. Gotten as many sources as I could find and read all parts of them that were applicable. I don't know where I'm expected to find more specific sources. And there goes the relaxing Thanksgiving Break concept.
My professor decided that he wanted to talk to me after class. And, since he thinks he knows what the best route to follow for my paper is, he kept pushing me in his direction. Which has no resources. I would know. I've looked. And he kept saying that he was trying to save me from doing too much work. Except all the work he's trying to save me from is stuff that I've already done. And he talked during the entire free time I had before my take-home test was due. So I had no chance to do any last minute work on it.
So today, I felt like an academic failure. Because after putting as much work as I've put in to my classes lately, I've gotten nowhere. If it had been just one class, I wouldn't have been as upset. But all the classes I had today going badly - that didn't sit well with me.
And now I've lost all motivation. I want to crawl into a hole until the semester is over. Or at least be able to never show up in my religion class again. I feel sick to my stomach even thinking about my religion class. For whatever reason, I just can't handle the thought of facing it again. And I'm still frustrated with my religion professor who told me one thing a month ago and is telling me the opposite now. After I've done all the work. And he won't listen to me when I tell him what I know works and what I know doesn't work.
Oh, and he thinks that I need to see the Academic Enhancement Center to talk about study skills. I work at the AEC. I once filled out a survey for my boss's thesis that tutors had good study skills. I tested as having good study skills. I don't think that much as changed in a year and a half. My professor also told me that I should give up things I enjoy. Like choir. Which I can't drop because it's required for my major. And it's taken my parents until now to convince me that I should make time to do things I enjoy. And now I'm being told that I need to drop it all again. With the exception of today, I've been happier this semester than I've ever been. Because my life is balanced. So many conflicting views. So frustrating. And I don't have the courage to show up again. That class can never be a safe place for me again.
And I still feel like an academic failure.