Yep, another You've Got Mail reference. It was my favorite movie for many years...
I'm beginning to feel all alone as a Vocal Music Ed major at Concordia. I just feel like my ideas about what I'd like to do as a choir director someday are very different from my peers. Last weekend I was at an ACDA convention, and I felt like no matter what I said, I was wrong. And it would feel better if other people thought I was wrong and had differing opinions among themselves. But it was generally a shared opinion of everyone around me versus my opinion.
I've always felt insecure as a music major in the first place. I wasn't the uber-music person in high school like most music majors are. I was the well-rounded student. I don't have many of the experiences that most music majors have had, so I feel like I'm always trying to catch up to them. So when it's everyone else's opinion versus mine, I start to wonder if I'm even worthy of being a music major.
And then I remember the final choir director I had in high school, the one who's still at my high school, and I feel validated again. She who came out of St. Olaf's music program, which isn't all that different from Concordia's, and came out not all that different from me in her musical tastes and interests. In fact, it's very possible that some of her musical tastes rubbed off on me in my one year in her classroom. A place where there exists an equal level of respect for historical choral pieces, traditional-sounding choral pieces, Broadway music, and choral arrangements of pop pieces. And that's how I feel. I think that all types of music deserve some level of respect as music, and different types of music reach different types of people, performers and audience members alike. So seeing my high school choir director at convention last weekend, even though it was for only about 5 minutes, may have been my highlight of the entire convention, because in those 5 minutes I was validated. Which I need sometimes. And really needed last weekend. It was my reminder that there are others like me in the world. There are others who appreciate a wide variety of music and believe that a wide variety of music should be taught. I've always thought that there must be more of me among Concordia's music majors, but last weekend it seemed that I was the lone reed - the only one who felt the way I did, who felt like Concordia can be a school of music snobs at times.
But even if I'm a lone reed at Concordia, I'm not a lone reed in the choral world. Because I can look at my high school choir director and see a young woman who runs a very successful choral program using many of the same beliefs about music that I myself hold. So I can look at evidence that just because my musical views are different than those of my peers, it doesn't mean I'm going to fail. I can still succeed. Because there's someone out there already who has.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
What No One Knows
Everyone keeps telling me with this whole religion class thing that if I managed to get through the whole Garrett situation last spring, then I can get through this. But what no one knows is that by the second-to-last week of April, I had reached a point of being borderline suicidal - and stayed at about that point for three weeks.
All it took was one encounter with Garrett too many. The day that he needed someone to record him teaching, and I was the only one there to do it. I almost ran the van into a lamppost on the way home from clinicals that day. I'm still not entirely sure how I made it home safely. But the thought returned each time I went to drive for the following three weeks. That first week, the only thing that kept me going was knowing that I had students who were counting on me, at least in a way. I went to two different concerts that my students were in that week - and I had to be there. I needed to show them how much I cared about them - because I cared a lot. Still do care a lot, actually. Then the following week I didn't have a vehicle. And the final week I was at home - I remember throwing my keys at my dad once to keep myself from getting in the van to drive.
I finally wound up telling my mom tonight. Because I was sick of people telling me that if I made it through last spring, I can make it through this religion class issue. Because the last time I pressed through, by my own stubbornness by the way, I hit the suicidal point. If I press through when I don't have the will to go on as it is, and come to hit a suicidal point again this semester, I don't know what I'll have to hold on to during that crucial point. The only things I can think of are Prism and Christmas Concert. But I don't know if that's enough. It's certainly not the same as having students depending on me. Plus, none of my classes mean that much to me. And if I hadn't already payed for ACDA convention, I'd probably drop out of the trip at this point. And, let's face it, none of my friends on campus have really had time for me lately anyway - they're too busy with their own lives. In completely legitimate ways. So I've even felt generally guilty even thinking about trying to persuade them to spend time with me.
And so I'm left with nothing.
All it took was one encounter with Garrett too many. The day that he needed someone to record him teaching, and I was the only one there to do it. I almost ran the van into a lamppost on the way home from clinicals that day. I'm still not entirely sure how I made it home safely. But the thought returned each time I went to drive for the following three weeks. That first week, the only thing that kept me going was knowing that I had students who were counting on me, at least in a way. I went to two different concerts that my students were in that week - and I had to be there. I needed to show them how much I cared about them - because I cared a lot. Still do care a lot, actually. Then the following week I didn't have a vehicle. And the final week I was at home - I remember throwing my keys at my dad once to keep myself from getting in the van to drive.
I finally wound up telling my mom tonight. Because I was sick of people telling me that if I made it through last spring, I can make it through this religion class issue. Because the last time I pressed through, by my own stubbornness by the way, I hit the suicidal point. If I press through when I don't have the will to go on as it is, and come to hit a suicidal point again this semester, I don't know what I'll have to hold on to during that crucial point. The only things I can think of are Prism and Christmas Concert. But I don't know if that's enough. It's certainly not the same as having students depending on me. Plus, none of my classes mean that much to me. And if I hadn't already payed for ACDA convention, I'd probably drop out of the trip at this point. And, let's face it, none of my friends on campus have really had time for me lately anyway - they're too busy with their own lives. In completely legitimate ways. So I've even felt generally guilty even thinking about trying to persuade them to spend time with me.
And so I'm left with nothing.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Run Away
I just want to run away. Forget my religion class ever existed. I know it's not the healthy thing to do, but I don't have the desire to face it. To make it through. I just want to run away.
Powerless... and Stuck
It took me until about 9pm to manage to finally focus on homework. It doesn't help that the only way I can manage to get any homework done is to have the TV or Netflix on to manage to get anything done. At least then when my mind wanders it wanders to whatever the story of the show is rather than to the religion class that's causing me so much anxiety. Every time I've even thought about doing the simple (okay, simple but bulky) reading homework, I've started to hyperventilate. If I think about anything beyond that, I start to shake. It kind of sucks. And by kind of I mean really, really sucks. But for whatever reason, I don't feel the need to face it head on. I just want to run away. It's too late to drop the course and take a different religion course in the spring. The drop deadline has passed and the religion classes that count are all full. Joy. Right now, more than anything, I just want someone to take my side, and fight for me strongly, in such a way that I'm allowed to completely avoid the course. To avoid the homework, avoid the final paper, avoid having to show up. Everything surrounding that class no longer feels safe. I don't know why, I just know what is. Like when I knew after breaking up with my boyfriend freshman year that I couldn't be friends with him right away. Like when I knew that being around Garrett didn't feel safe last year. I have no logic behind it. I just know what I feel, and know what my limits are. And my current feelings are that avoiding religion at all costs is the least of evils for my mental health right now. I just feel like I need someone who has power on my side.
Maybe that's part of my issue with this whole religion thing. I've done everything that I could do on my end. And I still feel powerless. And because I feel powerless in the big things, I feel powerless in the little things. Not what you'd think, but for whatever reason, that's how my mind is reacting right now.
Well, I suppose my professor kind of belittled me in the little things too. I was expressing that my complete breakdown in class yesterday was a result of a lot of things, including an overarching concept of working my butt off on different items of schoolwork and not getting the results that I feel like I should have been able to get based on the work I put into it. He told me I should get help with my study skills. He told me to quit things that I love doing in order to make time for everything that has to get done. His first thought - drop choir. Which is required for my music ed major. I would also add that singing and watching Netflix and movies over the past 36 hours are the only things that have allowed me to feel not horrible.
My mind keeps going back to my Physics class senior year of high school the day I was back at school after November TEC. I had been working my butt off for the preceding week to attempt to balance getting done all sorts of end-of-trimester school assignments with TEC. I had gotten low sleep every night. And in the end, a Physics reading/notetaking assignment was the thing I dropped in order to get at least some sleep. It wasn't even due that day - it was just supposed to make class that day and a following assignment easier in the long run. Well, my teacher checked everyone's to see if it was done. I tried to do the honest, responsible thing and just say that it wasn't done. It didn't come off the right way, and my teacher snapped at me. I lost it. During the class activity of the day, he pulled me outside to apologize, but the damage was already done. He was the straw that broke the camel's back. And after working my butt off for a week, I still didn't manage to get the results I had wanted to get. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about that Physics class period. And as I've thought about religion the past 36 hours, flashes of that day senior year keep running through my head. But I was okay going back to that class. But there were a lot more contributing factors to that situation. And a part of me still feels like that event had to do more with depression than anxiety. My current religion class situation is entirely anxiety. And while I was having a bad day in all my classes, I don't know that I'd feel much different now if my math classes had gone well yesterday. I had felt pretty worthless before my religion professor talked with me - I felt super worthless afterwards. Like I'm not good enough. So why should I bother to keep trying. Except for that pesky perfectionist that also lives inside my head.
I don't know how to deal with anxiety about academics. I've never experienced it before. Any academic-related anxiety in the past has been very clearly caused by the class instructor. Never before have I felt like the conflict with the class and the conflict with the instructor were so intertwined.
And the harder part is that when I dealt with this severe of anxiety last year, I used schoolwork to get me through. And that's not an option now. At least, it's only option to a point. Now, when I find myself out of non-religion homework that needs to be done for tomorrow, I feel stuck. I don't know what to do next. The perfectionist within me doesn't want to let me miss one assignment. But my mental limits say that I should just stop here. So I'm stuck. And at half past midnight, I still have 125 pages of religion reading that are supposed to be done for tomorrow. But I'm still stuck.
Maybe that's part of my issue with this whole religion thing. I've done everything that I could do on my end. And I still feel powerless. And because I feel powerless in the big things, I feel powerless in the little things. Not what you'd think, but for whatever reason, that's how my mind is reacting right now.
Well, I suppose my professor kind of belittled me in the little things too. I was expressing that my complete breakdown in class yesterday was a result of a lot of things, including an overarching concept of working my butt off on different items of schoolwork and not getting the results that I feel like I should have been able to get based on the work I put into it. He told me I should get help with my study skills. He told me to quit things that I love doing in order to make time for everything that has to get done. His first thought - drop choir. Which is required for my music ed major. I would also add that singing and watching Netflix and movies over the past 36 hours are the only things that have allowed me to feel not horrible.
My mind keeps going back to my Physics class senior year of high school the day I was back at school after November TEC. I had been working my butt off for the preceding week to attempt to balance getting done all sorts of end-of-trimester school assignments with TEC. I had gotten low sleep every night. And in the end, a Physics reading/notetaking assignment was the thing I dropped in order to get at least some sleep. It wasn't even due that day - it was just supposed to make class that day and a following assignment easier in the long run. Well, my teacher checked everyone's to see if it was done. I tried to do the honest, responsible thing and just say that it wasn't done. It didn't come off the right way, and my teacher snapped at me. I lost it. During the class activity of the day, he pulled me outside to apologize, but the damage was already done. He was the straw that broke the camel's back. And after working my butt off for a week, I still didn't manage to get the results I had wanted to get. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about that Physics class period. And as I've thought about religion the past 36 hours, flashes of that day senior year keep running through my head. But I was okay going back to that class. But there were a lot more contributing factors to that situation. And a part of me still feels like that event had to do more with depression than anxiety. My current religion class situation is entirely anxiety. And while I was having a bad day in all my classes, I don't know that I'd feel much different now if my math classes had gone well yesterday. I had felt pretty worthless before my religion professor talked with me - I felt super worthless afterwards. Like I'm not good enough. So why should I bother to keep trying. Except for that pesky perfectionist that also lives inside my head.
I don't know how to deal with anxiety about academics. I've never experienced it before. Any academic-related anxiety in the past has been very clearly caused by the class instructor. Never before have I felt like the conflict with the class and the conflict with the instructor were so intertwined.
And the harder part is that when I dealt with this severe of anxiety last year, I used schoolwork to get me through. And that's not an option now. At least, it's only option to a point. Now, when I find myself out of non-religion homework that needs to be done for tomorrow, I feel stuck. I don't know what to do next. The perfectionist within me doesn't want to let me miss one assignment. But my mental limits say that I should just stop here. So I'm stuck. And at half past midnight, I still have 125 pages of religion reading that are supposed to be done for tomorrow. But I'm still stuck.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Panic
I had my first panic attack at the end of March. At the time it was because of my ex-friend Garrett. After he ended our friendship, I had never felt emotionally/mentally safe around him. Still don't. Though, maybe the first one was more of a panic regarding who I could trust. Garrett sent me an email revealing that he had knowledge that I had only allowed certain people to know. I had already greatly narrowed down the list of people I could trust at school. To find out that I had lost trust in a member of the small circle of trust I had left was too much for me. And I think some of the panic came from not knowing who it was. But after that first one, it was experiences specifically regarding Garrett that caused my panic attacks. While I still have had great anxiety around Garrett this year, I can deal. I haven't had a panic attack since April. Until tonight.
For the first time in my life, I feel panicked about school. After all the issues with my religion class today (see previous entry), I feel like I can't go back to the class. I can't face it. I'm ready to quit. And I've been on the verge of a panic attack for the last hour. I've always managed to cope with school stuff pretty well. Not perfectly, but I've done okay. And I've gotten better over the years. But last year, schoolwork was all I had to hold onto sometimes - the only thing I knew I could handle at succeeded in handling on a regular basis. I guess today makes me unsure. But mostly it's my religion class. I can handle the failure of my two math classes, but I don't know how to face my religion class again. 1.5 weeks after the drop deadline... Go figure.
I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear, but I can't even manage to curl up in a ball small enough to make myself feel better. I've spent most of the night trying to find ways to escape long enough to feel like I can cope with life, or at least not feel this awful constantly. After a couple of hours of math homework and numerous episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I just can't shake the feeling of anxiety. And embarrassment.
Did I mention that I've been unofficially diagnosed with social anxiety? It sucks. It means that any recollection of past moments of conflict or embarrassment lead to an anxiety reaction of feeling physically sick - and I generally can't shake the feeling for hours. It sucks.
And for the first time, I wish I could enter a state of just feeling emotionally numb. That happened to me once last year. It was like my brain knew I couldn't handle any more pain, so it just shut down. As much as feeling numb sucks, it seems like a better option right now.
Because I feel like I did with Garrett all over again. This panic, this anxiety that I'm feeling about religion right now, feels just like I felt when I knew I had to go to a class that Garrett was in last year. I thought I was past that. I thought that Garrett was my only trigger. But I guess I was wrong. So now, I don't know what to do.
For the first time in my life, I feel panicked about school. After all the issues with my religion class today (see previous entry), I feel like I can't go back to the class. I can't face it. I'm ready to quit. And I've been on the verge of a panic attack for the last hour. I've always managed to cope with school stuff pretty well. Not perfectly, but I've done okay. And I've gotten better over the years. But last year, schoolwork was all I had to hold onto sometimes - the only thing I knew I could handle at succeeded in handling on a regular basis. I guess today makes me unsure. But mostly it's my religion class. I can handle the failure of my two math classes, but I don't know how to face my religion class again. 1.5 weeks after the drop deadline... Go figure.
I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear, but I can't even manage to curl up in a ball small enough to make myself feel better. I've spent most of the night trying to find ways to escape long enough to feel like I can cope with life, or at least not feel this awful constantly. After a couple of hours of math homework and numerous episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I just can't shake the feeling of anxiety. And embarrassment.
Did I mention that I've been unofficially diagnosed with social anxiety? It sucks. It means that any recollection of past moments of conflict or embarrassment lead to an anxiety reaction of feeling physically sick - and I generally can't shake the feeling for hours. It sucks.
And for the first time, I wish I could enter a state of just feeling emotionally numb. That happened to me once last year. It was like my brain knew I couldn't handle any more pain, so it just shut down. As much as feeling numb sucks, it seems like a better option right now.
Because I feel like I did with Garrett all over again. This panic, this anxiety that I'm feeling about religion right now, feels just like I felt when I knew I had to go to a class that Garrett was in last year. I thought I was past that. I thought that Garrett was my only trigger. But I guess I was wrong. So now, I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Failure
When I woke up this morning, I realized that it's been a long time since I've had a cry day. Which was surprising given how tired and stressed I've been. I guess I jinxed myself.
I went into the day knowing that a take-home test for one of my math classes hadn't gone well. The failing problem had received a lot of attention, and got nowhere. I had to give up. I have too much on my plate. Then I got a test from my other math class back. After being at the top of my class for the two previous classes, I was just average. I didn't feel great about that.
About a month ago, I had to write an outline for my final religion paper. Not sure what to pick as a topic, I talked with my professor, and he gave me three options. He only remembers giving me two. Guess which one of the three I picked?
I've already put a lot of work into the paper. Unlike most of my peers, I pulled together as many sources as possible, read all the articles, and compiled/sorted all my notes before creating my outline. My paper was practically written for me at that point. Then, in hopes of actually having a break for Thanksgiving break, I started the paper last weekend. Only to find out today that my professor doesn't approve of my paper topic or my sources. And, after he told us that he graded our outlines based on how much work he thought we put into it, I got a low grade on it. After all the effort I put into pulling things together in order to write the outline. I guess that was straw that broke the camel's back.
I cried through the entire 70-minute class. It was the first time this school year. And I felt awful about it. I thought through my other options, and was semi-okay with the option that I had chosen in my head. But I was still frustrated. After all that work, I had to do more. And, more of an issue, my sources were considered too broad - and I'd looked everywhere possible. Gotten as many sources as I could find and read all parts of them that were applicable. I don't know where I'm expected to find more specific sources. And there goes the relaxing Thanksgiving Break concept.
My professor decided that he wanted to talk to me after class. And, since he thinks he knows what the best route to follow for my paper is, he kept pushing me in his direction. Which has no resources. I would know. I've looked. And he kept saying that he was trying to save me from doing too much work. Except all the work he's trying to save me from is stuff that I've already done. And he talked during the entire free time I had before my take-home test was due. So I had no chance to do any last minute work on it.
So today, I felt like an academic failure. Because after putting as much work as I've put in to my classes lately, I've gotten nowhere. If it had been just one class, I wouldn't have been as upset. But all the classes I had today going badly - that didn't sit well with me.
And now I've lost all motivation. I want to crawl into a hole until the semester is over. Or at least be able to never show up in my religion class again. I feel sick to my stomach even thinking about my religion class. For whatever reason, I just can't handle the thought of facing it again. And I'm still frustrated with my religion professor who told me one thing a month ago and is telling me the opposite now. After I've done all the work. And he won't listen to me when I tell him what I know works and what I know doesn't work.
Oh, and he thinks that I need to see the Academic Enhancement Center to talk about study skills. I work at the AEC. I once filled out a survey for my boss's thesis that tutors had good study skills. I tested as having good study skills. I don't think that much as changed in a year and a half. My professor also told me that I should give up things I enjoy. Like choir. Which I can't drop because it's required for my major. And it's taken my parents until now to convince me that I should make time to do things I enjoy. And now I'm being told that I need to drop it all again. With the exception of today, I've been happier this semester than I've ever been. Because my life is balanced. So many conflicting views. So frustrating. And I don't have the courage to show up again. That class can never be a safe place for me again.
And I still feel like an academic failure.
I went into the day knowing that a take-home test for one of my math classes hadn't gone well. The failing problem had received a lot of attention, and got nowhere. I had to give up. I have too much on my plate. Then I got a test from my other math class back. After being at the top of my class for the two previous classes, I was just average. I didn't feel great about that.
About a month ago, I had to write an outline for my final religion paper. Not sure what to pick as a topic, I talked with my professor, and he gave me three options. He only remembers giving me two. Guess which one of the three I picked?
I've already put a lot of work into the paper. Unlike most of my peers, I pulled together as many sources as possible, read all the articles, and compiled/sorted all my notes before creating my outline. My paper was practically written for me at that point. Then, in hopes of actually having a break for Thanksgiving break, I started the paper last weekend. Only to find out today that my professor doesn't approve of my paper topic or my sources. And, after he told us that he graded our outlines based on how much work he thought we put into it, I got a low grade on it. After all the effort I put into pulling things together in order to write the outline. I guess that was straw that broke the camel's back.
I cried through the entire 70-minute class. It was the first time this school year. And I felt awful about it. I thought through my other options, and was semi-okay with the option that I had chosen in my head. But I was still frustrated. After all that work, I had to do more. And, more of an issue, my sources were considered too broad - and I'd looked everywhere possible. Gotten as many sources as I could find and read all parts of them that were applicable. I don't know where I'm expected to find more specific sources. And there goes the relaxing Thanksgiving Break concept.
My professor decided that he wanted to talk to me after class. And, since he thinks he knows what the best route to follow for my paper is, he kept pushing me in his direction. Which has no resources. I would know. I've looked. And he kept saying that he was trying to save me from doing too much work. Except all the work he's trying to save me from is stuff that I've already done. And he talked during the entire free time I had before my take-home test was due. So I had no chance to do any last minute work on it.
So today, I felt like an academic failure. Because after putting as much work as I've put in to my classes lately, I've gotten nowhere. If it had been just one class, I wouldn't have been as upset. But all the classes I had today going badly - that didn't sit well with me.
And now I've lost all motivation. I want to crawl into a hole until the semester is over. Or at least be able to never show up in my religion class again. I feel sick to my stomach even thinking about my religion class. For whatever reason, I just can't handle the thought of facing it again. And I'm still frustrated with my religion professor who told me one thing a month ago and is telling me the opposite now. After I've done all the work. And he won't listen to me when I tell him what I know works and what I know doesn't work.
Oh, and he thinks that I need to see the Academic Enhancement Center to talk about study skills. I work at the AEC. I once filled out a survey for my boss's thesis that tutors had good study skills. I tested as having good study skills. I don't think that much as changed in a year and a half. My professor also told me that I should give up things I enjoy. Like choir. Which I can't drop because it's required for my major. And it's taken my parents until now to convince me that I should make time to do things I enjoy. And now I'm being told that I need to drop it all again. With the exception of today, I've been happier this semester than I've ever been. Because my life is balanced. So many conflicting views. So frustrating. And I don't have the courage to show up again. That class can never be a safe place for me again.
And I still feel like an academic failure.
Beginning
Not that this blog is going to be all about God. Or all about running. I guess that I've kind of made "Running with God" my life theme. Or something like that. My faith hasn't been great since starting college. I keep trying to find my way back, but I'm not quite there yet. Maybe it's lost of life priorities. Maybe it's laziness. I guess I'm not sure.
I thought of titling this blog "Into the Void." For a long time my favorite movie was You've Got Mail, and one of the main characters writes an email in which she isn't necessarily looking for a reply but instead is just sending her thoughts into the void. And, sometimes, that's what I need. I've written many a Facebook note as a result of such a need. Sometimes it's nice just putting thoughts out there and feeling like someone will hear them. And finding out if anyone cares. When I walk through times of trial, is there anyone who will listen? It's nice feeling like there at least might be someone out there who understands, whether or not they reply. It's better than bottling up everything like I have for most of my life. And I know that God is there. God listens. God cares. But God doesn't talk back. And sometimes I just need someone to talk back.
And, as scary as it is posting my thoughts for the world, including complete strangers, to see, I do a better job at handling online conflict than I do face-to-face conflict. Emotionally, it feels safer posting things to complete strangers than it does to people who may confront me face-to-face later. Strange, maybe, but true.
Thus after much debating, I decided to start a blog. A place where, at least for now, I can send things into the void. Because through writing I let go. And through writing I heal. And it generally works better when I feel that someone out there might read it. So, for now, this is where I can go when I have a bad day. Or share the strange thoughts about me that I'm afraid to share elsewhere. And we'll see what happens from here.
I thought of titling this blog "Into the Void." For a long time my favorite movie was You've Got Mail, and one of the main characters writes an email in which she isn't necessarily looking for a reply but instead is just sending her thoughts into the void. And, sometimes, that's what I need. I've written many a Facebook note as a result of such a need. Sometimes it's nice just putting thoughts out there and feeling like someone will hear them. And finding out if anyone cares. When I walk through times of trial, is there anyone who will listen? It's nice feeling like there at least might be someone out there who understands, whether or not they reply. It's better than bottling up everything like I have for most of my life. And I know that God is there. God listens. God cares. But God doesn't talk back. And sometimes I just need someone to talk back.
And, as scary as it is posting my thoughts for the world, including complete strangers, to see, I do a better job at handling online conflict than I do face-to-face conflict. Emotionally, it feels safer posting things to complete strangers than it does to people who may confront me face-to-face later. Strange, maybe, but true.
Thus after much debating, I decided to start a blog. A place where, at least for now, I can send things into the void. Because through writing I let go. And through writing I heal. And it generally works better when I feel that someone out there might read it. So, for now, this is where I can go when I have a bad day. Or share the strange thoughts about me that I'm afraid to share elsewhere. And we'll see what happens from here.
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